Author Archives: Just Call Me Mel

let’s have a little chat…

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My dear Friends of the Internetz,

You may remember me sharing several of my dirty little secrets with you in the past. No, I’m not talking about my Naughty River for Blue’s Clues Steve, or my White Trash Crushes…I’m talking about when I shared the only thing Sarah Jessica Parker and I have in common: Man Hands.

It’s true. We both have them. And I have to tell you, I’m ready to do something about mine. El Jefe thinks I’m just this side of crazy when I talk about my Man Hands. I’ll admit they are tiny in size, especially compared to his…but…my fingers are like little stuffed sausages and my fingernails are awful. They don’t really grow; and they are wide. They just don’t seem very feminine to me–therefore they are Man Hands. I’m thinking it’s time to try to fix them.

Apparently you can’t do liposuction on your fingers (Not that I’ve checked…) and apparently, having big knuckles and tiny stumpy fingers isn’t really something plastic surgeons can fix (what? I’m making an assumption here. I swear!) So I think I’m going to go a different route.

I’m going to get a manicure.

I’m going to see if I can make my Man Hands into Drag Queen Hands pretty, feminine girly hands, just by adding polish and trying to grow the nails out. I can’t do the fake nail thing. It’s just not my bag. But apparently there is this polish called Shellac that is guaranteed to last 2 weeks, even on the toughest customer. That would be me.

So next week, I’m gonna go for it. I’m going to attempt to put lipstick on a pig and pretty up my Man Hands. If you have any other suggestions for me, please weigh in…

Thunder! Lightnin’! The way you love me is frightnin’!

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This morning, I woke to a raging storm. Crazy, angry, loud, full of red and black on the radar storm. It was awesome for two reasons: 1. I got to stay in bed a little longer than usual and enjoy the hell out of it 2. The air pressure headache that I’ve had for almost a week FINALLY WENT AWAY. Let’s all breathe a collective sigh of relief, shall we? The weather was perfect this weekend. We were outside almost all day both days. Gorgeous sun, warm breeze, a little soccer, and beverages on decks, patios, and porches…. It was absolutely perfect. El Jefe left me about 5:45 last night and I wasn’t ready to call it quits, so I met the lovely Birdrunner and Wes at So for a nightcap on the patio. There was so much pollen in the air and the air pressure was so heavy, my headache just got worse, so I came home to Benadryl and Advil and fell into a coma. But this morning, I feel great. I’m glad the pain finally went away. Last week was sucky mcsuckypants. Hope your weekend rivaled mine in the awesome department. Anything fun happen?

Grey’s Anatomy: The Musical Event

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I wasn’t going to do it. I wasn’t going to watch the singing cheesefest that Grey’s was calling their Musical Event.

But I did. And dammit, I cried. (I blame the lack of sun.)

Sure it had it’s moments of cheese and some of the singing was reminiscent of Pierce Brosnan’s singing in Mamma Mia, BUT, I kinda loved it. (Just as I kinda loved Pierce’s really bad singing… I did. I can’t help it. He’s Pierce Brosnan, dammit! )

The show was emotional, and the music (except for one song, IMO) really was a complement. I was sucked in. I’m a sucker. Sucker McSuckerPants. And I’m buying this song on iTunes today. Because damn. I love it.

Happy Friday y’all. I’m looking forward to seeing El Jefe this afternoon…and I’m really looking forward to seeing the sun. Because the weathermen PROMISED it would come out today and not go away all weekend.

It better. Or I’m gonna be hunting down some weather dudes. You guys have been warned…

in like a lion, out like an eskimo

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Damn it’s cold for March 31. But the good news is, I just saw the sun! Now we have a 60% chance of rain today, but…BUT…that means we have a 40% chance of sun. And if I had a 40% chance of winning the lottery, guess who would be buying a ticket?

Check this out. I think my horoscope today told me to stop daydreaming. WTF? It of all things should know taht is impossible for a fishy girl like me…

The Moon’s current visit to dreamy Pisces places a veneer of glamour on even the most ordinary experiences. But don’t fall prey to believing your senses now, for that strategy only works if you’re able to maintain a healthy perspective. Mixing up objective reality with subjective thoughts is great for writing poetry, but not so good for mapping out your future reality.

Healthy perspective! Bwahahahahahaha!

Month of Mel: The End

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And it’s another gloomy day here in The Rock. Luckily it’s supposed to be gorgeous and in the 70s this weekend…because the past week or more it has been cold, gray, and just plain yucky. I had to turn my heat back on! This should never happen after one has slept with the windows open. Someone needs to brush Mother Nature up on the RULZ.

I’ll be daydreaming all day that this is what I’m doing. Can’t you feel the sun warming your skin? Don’t you just wanna jump into the water and cool off?

Oh summer-like weather: Why hast thou forsaken me?

So we bring the Month of Mel to a close with dreams of sunkissed skin and lots of frolicking in the water. Let’s all dive into the deep end today!

2011: Month of Mel Day 29: Happy Birthday!

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Happy Birthday Daddy!

(That’s Cotton to you)

This pic is from my launch party for BITE ME! in August 2009. My hair is redder now and I’m about 20 lbs lighter (and those glasses are at the bottom of Lake Ouachita)… but my daddy still looks the same. 🙂 Here’s some fun trivia about Cotton.

  • He had WHITE hair until he was in his late teens–hence his nickname.

  • He always wore a leather belt with his nickname engraved on the back.

  • I have never heard him call me by my name. It’s either Lissa Jane (my middle name is Renee) or it’s “Gal.”

  • He coached my softball teams for most of my life. This was a blessing and a curse.

  • When he was told Ian’s name after he was born, Daddy asked, “N?” as in L, M, N, O, P?” Sadly, he was not the only person who asked that. And even more sadly, Ian has a friend who has never called him anything other than N. hahaha

  • He taught me to change my oil and tires when I was a teen. (now I have Goodyear for that.)

  • He had 2 favorite sayings when I was growing up: “She’s so ugly she’d have to sneak up on a pail of water to get a drink.” and “Wish in one hand and “mmmmph” in the other and see which one fills up first.” (btw, he always said “mmmmph” and I was in my 20s before I learned that “mmmmph” was actually supposed to be”shit.” The saying never made sense to me until that moment.)

  • His favorite dessert was canned peaches with oreos crushed on top. (I know, right? *shudder*)

  • Nobody can fry fish better.

I would also like to send a shout out and a big HAPPY SWEET 16 to my darling niece TAYLOR MARIE. I love you kiddo and miss you lots and lots. Hope to see you this summer!!!

2011: Month of Mel day 25: Let them eat SUSHI!

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Jenner, my High School BFF (pictured here with our friend Nick who (sadly) will not be with us today), will be joining me today for a late birthday lunch. She was unable to make my dinner, so we are going on a date today.

For Sushi!

I’ve been craving sushi since El Jefe was in Amsterdam and bragging on a daily basis about the sushi he was eating. Now to be honest, it has taken me a while to develop a taste for sushi, mainly because I’m a texture girl and sometimes the rubbery rice is just gross.

BUT I love Wasabi and I love, love, love a yummy tempura roll (which I know is cheating slightly) and I’ve found a couple of other sushi rolls that I really enjoy as well.

We are heading to Sushi Cafe today, and I will probably order their Bento Box lunch plate which offers a plethora of yumminess. And I may have to order some extra sushi on the side…you know, just to get my fill…

It’s supposed to be coldish and rainy this weekend and I asked the boys what they wanted to do and they said, “Chill.” Okay. I’m down with that. It’s actually what I do best… So we’re gonna chill (thank goodness for snuggies) what are you gonna do?

2011: The Month of Mel Day 24: Listen up!

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Dear Internetwebz with your foot fetishes,

Check out my sexy new slippers…

Aw yeah. These are HAWT and you know it. (well the pedicure is, anyway)

So yesterday, I had a new experience and I’m dying to talk about it. But I can’t. But I’m going to talk about a few things I witnessed while I was experiencing my new experience…

  • Ladies and Gentlemen, when you’re in a waiting room (and I don’t care what kind of waiting room it is) please do not listen to your music without headphones.
  • Please don’t talk on your bluetooth device as loudly as possible (because you have to raise your voice to compete with the other bluetooth talker.)
  • Please, please, please don’t wear the strongest, cheapest, headache inducing perfume known to man, and for the love of the gods, PLEASE don’t respray it while in the waiting room.
  • If you’re texting, turn THE VOLUME OFF and use the vibrate or silent mode. I said OFF not UP. Holy crap. That’s an obnoxious texting tone and it does not need to be heard in the next county.
  • It’s really not cool to bitch at the people that “you’ve been waiting thirty minutes, hurry the EFF up, already.” That is not going to get you seen any quicker. I promise.
  • DON’T FREAKING SMACK YOUR GUM.
  • If you’re playing a video game on your iPod, turn the volume OFF.
  • See my slippers above? They are to be worn in my house only. Not outside, in the public.
  • That robe you have on? Also should be worn at home.
  • Ditto the rollers.

Have we learned something today, Internetwebz? I sure hope so…

2011: Month of Mel; Day 23

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Yesterday I had a bit of a set back and my personal sparkle dulled for a while. Dudes, I’m not a big fan of dull so yesterday didn’t work for me at all.

I’m better today. Much better. It’s amazing how little notes and phone calls from friends can make you light up like a sparkler. I will never forget how lucky I am to have the people in my life that I do. I am good at surrounding myself with awesome. 🙂

And look! Sparkle Plenty can be yours, too!

But only if you’re a girl…

You know what else made me feel better? Watching Daniel Tosh Completely Serious on Netflix. Holy Crappin’ Damn he’s funny. And sooooo not right. Which makes me love him even more. Here’s an example of the awesome. It is sooooo very NSFW (unless you wear headphones…)

I got people to see and stuffs to do today. I’m having my Bday lunch with my bestie from high school on Friday. Yay for Sushi! Can’t wait!

Happy Humpday. Or Wine Wednesday. However you choose to celebrate…you know there’s no judgement here…