teach my ass, Melissa

Posted on by
Reply

Dear Person from Germany who googled Teach my ass Melissa,

I’m going to need a little bit more direction. What exactly would you like me to teach your ass? Does your ass have something special it would like to learn?

I must admit, I am a very good teacher. I take my time with each lesson, make sure the student is fully apprised of the subject and I painstakingly teach, and reteach until the pupil can pass the test with flying colors. It’s a tough job, but somebody’s got to do it.

So your ass is in the right hands. But the problem is, I have no idea what lessons your ass would like to learn. So I’ve taken this opportunity to work up a list of potential subjects. Please let me know what your ass would like to learn.

  • how to eat with chopsticks: admittedly, this will be a tough lesson for me, as I have not mastered the art of chopsticks. I can do it, but it ain’t pretty. However, if this is what your ass chooses to learn, I will gladly do my best to teach it.
  • how to prepare foie gras: Um, yeah. sorry. That won’t be happening. I just learned what foie gras is during the last season of Top Chef. Your ass is on its own.
  • how to be a ninja: I don’t do stealth and I don’t do ninja. But I’ve got the name and number of a guy who does. if this is what you want, email me and I’ll put you two in touch.
  • Algebra: um, sorry. Your ass is striking out with me if you want to learn algebra. Mel is a firm believer that the alphabet and the numerical systems should be kept separate. Letters and Numbers do not equal more numbers.
  • how to be a milf: now we’re talking. I’m pretty sure I can teach your ass a little bit in the way of milfing, but it’s a lot of work. Is your ass up for the challenge?
  • how to text and drive: I would almost never do that! *have your ass contact me privately*
  • how to write a damn good book: THAT I can teach your ass. LMAO

Okay, these are just a few things your ass might be interested in learning. If your ass has something else in mind, please let me know.

Thanks for your interest. Now, in the mean time, I offer you this video on how to be a Ninja, free of charge. Watch it. You won’t be sorry.

“Judy Chop!” and “Don’t go ninjain’ nobody that don’t need ninjain'”

Thanks is not enough

Posted on by
Reply

It’s bizarre.

I sold BITE ME! January, 2007. I’ve waited and waited and waited for the day it will hit the shelves.

Yesterday, BITE ME! was finally available for pre-order. Like a good little author, I laid on my back and whored myself out proper. (apparently, I’m a blog tramp)

And you guys responded.

I don’t know how to thank you. Every time I sit down to write this blog, to write a proper thank you note, I freeze. You guys were awesome yesterday. You ordered my book, you spread the word (much like I spread my legs), you gave me what I needed and for some reason I can’t find the right words to express my appreciation. (I’m supposed to be a writer, so this is a little unusual for me)

So let me just say, Thank You.

Those words aren’t enough and I know it. But they’re definitely a start. I told a friend of mine last night that I didn’t know how to respond to such an outpouring of support and his response? “You deserve it.”

As simple as that.

Whether I deserve it or not, that was really nice to hear. And all the private emails, facebook comments, cheering and sparkling were overwhelmingly heart-warming.

I love writing and I love this series. And I love the fact that many of you have enough faith in me to buy my first book.

Do I deserve it? No. Not really. Do I appreciate it? Absofuckinglutely. Y’all are amazing. I am humbled. I don’t do humble, so give me a minute to recover, mmmkay?

And tomorrow, I will resume regularly scheduled unserious blogging. The topic is a google phrase: “Teach My Ass Melissa”

I give you this teaser free of charge. You’re welcome.

Dear Person from Germany who googled Teach my ass Melissa,
I’m going to need a little bit of direction.

BITE ME! available for PRE-ORDER

Posted on by
Reply

I’m about to fulfill my label as a Blog Tramp and pimp myself like a $2 whore.

Buy now: Pay later!

For the bargain basement price of $8.99, you can buy yourself a copy of BITE ME! It’s a great deal, especially when you realize you won’t be paying until it ships in August!

Also, if you buy 3 or more copies (big strong hint) you’ll be qualified for free shipping. Now that’s a deal!!!

So don’t wait! Order your copy(ies) of BITE ME! today!

Oh, and feel free to spread the word…
——————

Okay, now that I have today’s (self) whoring out of the way, I’d now like to whore myself out for my BFF and Critique Partner, Maria Geraci. Her first book BUNCO BABES TELL ALL comes out May 5, 2009. Today, she’s guest blogging over at The Knight Agency blog (check after 8:30 AM). Her new website is up and running and she’s offering a $25 gift certificate to Victoria’s Secret as a contest prize! Check out her blog over at TKA and check out her beautiful new website. And don’t forget to pre-order BUNCO BABES TELL ALL if you haven’t already.

good morning!

Posted on by
Reply

wow. 4:30 came early today. Yes, I was an early riser this morning. On purpose.

I’ve been tweaking the final draft of LOVE SUCKS! which is due to editor today. Still need to put a few final touches on last chapter, but overall, I love this story. LOVE IT.

Which is a nice feeling since about 3 weeks ago, I did not feel the same way. Not even close. LOL

Anyway, today’s blog is an update, not a real blog. Maybe this afternoon I’ll feel inspired to blog. If not, check back tomorrow!

open hearts? or T-n-A?

Posted on by
Reply

Okay, am I the only one?

Kay Jewelers and Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman Jane Seymore have teamed up with this new “Open Hearts” jewelry.

Seriously. Am I the only person who sees this design and thinks, “Tits and Ass.”

Do you see it? Or is it just me? That is totally Tits and Ass. I don’t care who you are. I know you see it.

If I’m being honest, I have to admit that I kinda want that to be my ass. I mean, look how perfect and round it is. Dammit. It’s the ass of my #1 enemy at the gym, Barbie Hair Girl. I now hate that ass. Stupid Dr. Quinn and her perfect ass necklace. Not nice. Not fair. And why the hell would I want to wear Barbie Hair Girl’s ass around my neck? I wouldn’t.

I like the idea behind the design, but really? I just don’t see open hearts. I see Tits and Ass. And trust me when I say, I have plenty of both, I don’t need a necklace to prove it.

Dear stoopidMen,
Do not buy this for your wife/girlfriend/lover/mistress/friend that is girl.

It will just remind her of her big tits and ass…or her lack thereof.

Get her something much more personal. Like a card that says what you can’t, or make her a CD of y’all’s favorite songs, or cook her dinner, or clean her house, or just take the kids out for a night so she can read/sleep/play tiddly-winks go to bed early. But don’t get her the T-n-A necklace. It’s just not right.

I’m over at Fictionistas today, expanding on my gift theory. Head over if you want to hear more.

a moment in my head

Posted on by
Reply

I dreamed last night that I was trying to catch a ghost, in a basket, and the only way to lure him there was to sing Tanya Tucker songs.

Today’s moment of WTF was brought to you by Mel’s head.

Of course, you know that means I woke up singing Delta Dawn, right?

You’re Welcome. Again.

Am I the only one watching this for the fashion tips?

ETA:
I had to post this link here. I found this blog of Dirty Limericks based on Washington State Town names. I totally stole it from the Smart Bitches, but it was too good not to share. NSFW but totally funny as hell.

this is just a random posting

Posted on by
Reply

UPDATE: I’m back over at FCR today. Come by for a visit.

The song I woke up with in my head this morning was Wham! Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go (You’re welcome)

I’m glad this week is over. Work was good and my brain is almost back to normal after Monday’s writing-palooza. FWIW, it apparently takes 4 days for a brain to solidify again after overuse liquefies it. I’m not sure how much of my brain leaked out of my ears, but I feel pretty normal, so whatever I lost must’ve been some of that ‘unused’ bit.

I caught up on LOST. It’s been a great season so far. And I’m still in love with Sawyer. He really does get the best lines.

I’m also in love with heat over Gordon Ramasy of Hell’s Kitchen. First of all, he’s a ginger (I do believe I’ve established I have a weakness for such things?) Secondly, there is something about that man’s filthy mouth and angry outbursts that just gives me goosebumps. The man turns me on, what can I say.

My Thursday Girls took me to dinner last night to celebrate my brain being solid again. I tried Mango Vodka and Tonic. Holy Potato Juice was it good. Seriously, I thought I was in love with Mandarin Vodka? No. That wasn’t love, that was intense admiration. And Mandarin Vodka and I will always have a very special relationship. But Mango Vodka won my heart last night. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Have y’all got big plans this weekend? It’s going to be gorgeous here. I’m going to be doing some writing, but I also plan to get out of the house some. I went back to the gym Wednesday, which felt great, even though my workout was shit…I’m going today, and I’m going to get the hell out tomorrow and run.

Have a great weekend!

A couple of new items have been added to my 40 at 40 list.

  1. Run a 10K
  2. Train for and run a half-marathon
  3. Get a tattoo
  4. Visit a place I’ve never been before
  5. Get waxed (Legs, pits and um…yeah. I’m gonna go there. All the way there. That will be some blog…)
  6. Meet with a financial planner
  7. See a professional (insert sport here) game
  8. See Staind in concert
  9. See Springsteen in concert (now that I’ve been properly recruited into his cult fanclub. However, I really shouldn’t add this to my list because I’m afraid that my recruiter’s ego can’t handle another stroke) ETA: am worried this won’t happen this year unless he adds some fall dates…will add it to next year’s list if need be.
  10. Lose 2 sizes
  11. Buy myself a nice piece of jewelry
  12. Get a passport
  13. Visit NY (yes, this could also be the “visit a place I’ve never been before,” but NY deserves its own line)
  14. Skinny dip in the ocean
  15. Go deep sea fishing
  16. Teach my son how to drive a stick
  17. Take a shot (or 2) of Patron (in the comfort and safety of friends who can handle Mel-on-Tequila. Have never had Patron but have been assured by many that it will change my life. It will definitely change the life of the people who witness this event, I can promise you that.)
  18. Take an unplanned road trip
  19. Take up SLR photography again
  20. Write a short story or novella (never done this, dunno if I can!)
  21. Go camping in the mountains
  22. Plant a new gardenia bush
  23. Steal a summer kiss at sunset
  24. Take a winter vacation somewhere snowy
  25. Face time with each of my out-of-state friends
  26. Try at least 1 type of new (to me) food
  27. Go golfing
  28. Write a letter
  29. Have a book launch party 😀
  30. Grow my hair out for 1 year
  31. Find a Flamingo Pez dispenser or convince Pez to make one.
  32. Schedule speaking events at schools in the fall
  33. Finish this list (for Marcus)

OUTRAGED!

Posted on by
Reply

I have searched the interwebs high and low for a FLAMINGO PEZ DISPENSER and it cannot. be. found.

Apparently several of my slaves, minions
, fans, stalkers friends searched high and low as well. Nothing.

You can’t tell me that my Holy Grail doesn’t exist! You can’t be serious.

It’s FLAMINGOS!

and

PEZ!

They belong together. I will not rest until I am holding a Flamingo Pez dispenser in my hands.

Dear Pez People at Pez.com,

It has come to my attention that you don’t have a Flamingo Pez dispenser and that possibly you never have. Dudes! What gives?

It’s Flamingos! and Pez! They belong together like Salt -n- Pepa, Bogie and Bacall, Love and Boat, Mel and Awesome!

Please, rectify this horrible situation and make a Flamingo Pez Dispenser. They will fly off the shelves. I know, because I will probably buy them all.

Flamingos and Pez belong together. Let’s make this right.

Yours in Pez,
Mel

Mel’s Holy Grail

Posted on by
Reply

First of all, did you miss it yesterday? I got my cover for BITE ME! I am in love with it in a way that is truly unhealthy. Right now, I’ve gotta fever, and the only cure is more cowbell cover!
And if you’re coveting her hair? Just know you’re not alone.

Okay, back to the topic at hand. Mel’s Holy Grail….

Everybody’s searching for something. Love, Friendship, Enlightenment, the Fountain of Youth, A Cabana Boy, Money, Power…

Do you know what Mel is searching for?

A Flamingo Pez dispenser

Flamingos and Pez!

Seriously, how could I have a bad day if I had a Flamingo Pez dispenser? It would be physically impossible to remain angry or in a bad mood if I pulled out my Flamingo Pez dispenser and popped a Pez. (and it’s not that Pez is an exceptionally good candy or anything. It’s just that it’s Pez. And who isn’t happy popping a Pez? Especially out of a Flamingo?)

I can’t find one anywhere. This image? It’s a rubber stamp image. It’s exactly what I want yet I can’t pop a Pez from a rubber stamp!

I am afraid my life will not be complete until I find a Flamingo Pez dispenser. If you happen across one, pick it up! Call me! Email me! Write me! Shout it from the rooftops!

I will not rest until I have one in my hands…It is my Holy Grail.