an update on LUMPY the LONE DUKE OF HAZARD

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El Jefe and I met at the Compound for lunch o check out the damage to the once awesome and pristine driveway of gravel.

It wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be, however, it was interesting. Lumpy totally caught air after he hit my culvert and I bet he didn’t land for 12 feet. It was pretty amazing actually. We found nails, rocks, truck parts, gloves, a paint pan, BBQ Sunflower seeds, a mint, and a quarter strewn about in the yard. Like WAY STREWN ABOUT. Almost to the house. His truck literally ripped the nails straight out of the landscape timbers. STRAIGHT OUT. AS IN NOT BENT. There are giant rocks that flew from my culvert and landed probably 50 yards away.
Behold Lumpy’s Trail of Tears. or would that be Beers?






Here is a collection of stuff from my front yard.


and yes. You are seeing that correctly. He killed my flamingo. Lumpy is gonna pay.

+500 FRUSTRATION; -1000 in awesome.

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Remember a long time ago, way back last weekend when we backed it up like a Tonka Truck with a load of gravel? Me, the boys & El Jefe worked our asses off. We raked, shoveled, tamped, & spread for damn near the entire weekend.

And the end result was beautiful:

So imagine my utter horror and dismay last night when my mother calls to tell me that some drunk asshole took the curve at warp speed, missed it entirely, AND TOOK OUT MY BRAND NEW FUCKING EFFING DRIVEWAY.

El Jefe was all “Do you wanna go home and check it out?” and I was leaning toward YES when I got my first text from my brother with pictures.
And then I was all “Hell no because I would pick up a shovel and beat that man down with it. IN FRONT OF THE COPS.” (because I’m hard like that) Frankly, I’m not cut out for jail time and even though his murder would have been totally justified in redneck court, I couldn’t take the chance.



BTW, the asshole had LUMPY on his tailgate. Yeah. LUMPY. I’m thinking he had a few lumps after he hit my culvert and left pieces of his truck in my yard. He also told the police he’d just been at the tattoo parlor. I’m guess he’d gotten quite loaded before he got his brand new LUMPY tattoo over his heart.
And you know what? Today is Wine Wednesday and I can’t even go. WHICH MAKES ME HAVE A SAD.
Grumble. Grumble. Piss and Moan. Somebody say something funny or cast a spell of awesome on me or put a hex on Lumpy. C’mon. Make today better…
BTW, my Bachelorette Episode 6 Recap is up at HDJM. Bentley the Super Douche returned on Monday and I recorded it all in its douchetastic glory.

R.I.P Baby Bear

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I’m so glad the boys and I got a chance to love you. You’ll be missed. 15 years is a good long life, and I hope you enjoy your forever spot underneath the shade tree. Chicken Nugget will be sure to visit often and keep you company.


ETA: for those who don’t know, Baby Bear was El Jefe’s puppy for 15 years. He was a full-sized lab on little-bitty legs and he loved kids, cats, and El Jefe. He also loved chicken treats and after the move, loved the Compound.

back it up like a Tonka truck!

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If it doesn’t rain today and if Waylon the Gravel Dude can make it work, we will be getting a dump truck load of new driveway this afternoon. And you know what that means, right? Free beer to anyone over the age of 21 who would like to come over and help us spread it out. The more hands we have, the quicker we can be done… Also, BYOS (bring your own shovel)

Bobcat Greyskull returned to us last night, and he is officially a “bobcat.” His tail has been snipped appropriately and in order to keep him from pulling out his stitches, he was placed in the cone billboard of shame.

Now, don’t let the Billboard of Shame fool you. It hasn’t slowed turbo-kitteh down one iota. As a matter of fact, I think it contains the powers of super speed and agility with an increase of +30 in Spazztasticness. He rocks that billboard, is what I’m saying.
He seriously doesn’t slow down until he falls into a coma which is why the majority of the pics of him are blurs. Like this one.


And after a few hours of nonstop pinballing around the house, he crashes hard.

Then he wakes, hits the catnip pipe and goes for it again.

I owe El Jefe a huge barrel of thanks for taking Bobcat Greyskull to the vet and making sure the little fella is healthy. And I’m probably going to owe him a dump truck of thanks after I work him like a junkyard dog he lovingly volunteers to help spread gravel. hehehehe Seriously, ❤ x 1000.

sparkle on

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Things I like (in no particular order):

  • Pedicures
  • Fan mail (which I’ve been getting quite a bit lately! Thank you!)
  • Fun surprises
  • A clean house
  • Having my kids home
  • My awesome friends
  • Cheese
  • Pitch Black Diet Mountain Dew (who knew?)
  • All the fur-babies in my life
  • Weekends at the lake
  • Sparkles
  • El Jefe

Things I could do without forever:

  • The current state of my toes
  • Anonymous messages (ps: there’s this nifty thing called BLOCK and I’m really good at that.)
  • The current state of my house! Holy Dust Bunnies and dirty dishes.
  • Feeding my kids! Damn those boys can eat.
  • The constantly barking dog in my backyard that doesn’t belong to me.
  • Having no sodas in the fridge when I want one!

Looks like the good outweighs the bad today, so LET’S ALL GO TO THE MALL! Sparkle on, my friends. Sparkle on.

a tail’s tale

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Bobcat Greyskull (occasionally known as Turbo, Spazz, Bullet, Blur, and Crackhead) is currently having his tail snippy-snipped. Which is good, because it was getting pretty disgusting. *shudder*
Not that it slowed him down at all. He don’t need no stinkin’ tail. He just needs a piece of paper. And lemme tell ya, you bettah NOT be a piece of paper in his presence because he will PUNISH YOU hardcore.

Here he is crashed out with his BFF. When she allows such things…
In other news, there’s a whole lotta stuff going on at Hey Don’t Judge Me! We have Glee Season 1 Drinking game recaps; My Bachelorette Recaps; Real Housewives of WTF New Jersey; and now Hoarders! Go forth and enjoy!!!

late

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It’s been a long day after a long night. So all I have to say is my Bachelorette Episode 5 recap is up at Hey Don’t Judge Me. Get thee over and shower me with attention. I need it to keep awake…

<– see the guy in the hot pink panties? He gets knocked the F*(K out. And I laughed. You will too, I’m sure.

3 days of happy and broken down boat.

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El Jefe and I took the mutts to Lake Ouachita this weekend. We arrived Friday afternoon, loaded everyone onto the party barge and took off to find the end of the earth.

A few weeks ago, we were there for the day, and the water was so high we actually had to be boated to the boat. The lake has receded quite a bit now, so all the land looks completely different. It’s kinda crazy.
Anyway, we really wanted to see how Trinity would do at the lake because
she’s such a water lover. Let me just say, she’s got to be a Mer-dog. She took to the lake like she had gills. Baby Bear, on the other hand, could have done without the whole floating truck-like thing. He’s pretty worn out, still. Poor dude. I think 3 days was just too much for his old ass. (he’s 14…) Ruby was Ruby. She’s not even close to being a waterdog but loves to wander around with her people and Trin. So she did a lot of wandering. And a lot of sleeping.

It was perfect weather this weekend. Breezy and warm but not scorching. We were joined Sunday by my brother and his two kids. And despite a few war wounds from conquering a couple of islands, and the party barge propeller giving out on Sunday forcing us to be towed in, we had a great time. Here’s a sample of what you missed.









fah-ah-ah-ling over you.

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First off, my recap of Bachelorette Episode 3 is up at Hey Don’t Judge Me. I’m working on Episode 4 recap now and hoping to post it later today. Episode 3 was so Douchetastic I had a hard time writing up the recap. So much material, so little blogspace… (btw, the Mask de-masked himself…)

Now…

Let’s talk about grace baby.
Let’s talk about you and me.
Let’s talk about all the falls that I take, that you can see.
Let’s talk about grace. Let’s talk about grace…

Picture this. A girl with bright red hair and a large tattoo (definitely recognizable) is sauntering (because she saunters) along the sidewalk on the way to work (a college campus, mind you) when suddenly the sidewalk reaches up and grabs her foot (because surely she didn’t just trip) causing her to take a most ungraceful spill. EVER. Dust and skirt flying up, shoe flying off, and an entire construction crew and 2 young engineering students watching. It happened in slow motion, because all things awesome happen in slow mo.

The boys were a few feet behind the now completely embarrassed girl with the bright red hair and gallantly assist her off the ground and ask if she is okay. The girl looks at the boys, who are both red-faced and apparently even more embarrassed than the girl. The girl realizes this was probably the first time the boys had ever seen panties. The girl is glad they were cute panties. She resists the urge to show them her matching purple bra.

Now the girl is a little scratched up from the sidewalk and the tree root she landed on. Her ego is completely bruised and may not make a full recovery, so if you see the girl with the bright red hair and something seems different; it’s probably because she is mourning the loss of her dignity. It was all she had left, after all…