Author Archives: Just Call Me Mel

Count Smurfula will be blue if you don’t come to B.A.M. on Sunday.

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Look what was in the paper today!!!!

I will be signing books (both BITE ME! and LOVE SUCKS!) on Sunday at the North Little Rock Books-A-Million from 2-4 pm. Please come see me!

Count Smurfula will also be making an appearance…if I can find him. It seems the Kittehs have a fondness for the Count. They’ve either kidnapped him or he’s in hiding…


Count Smurfula demands you come see me or else he’ll get with the Unicorns and bring the Internetz to Life and you know what that means, don’t you? Yes. Rick Astley will make a come back! And since there is only one person in the world who wants Rick Astley to make a come back (RaderFrancis) I suggest you do your best to get to Books-A-Million on Sunday.

Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down…never gonna run around and dessert you.

you will laugh-cry, too. if you don’t, then you don’t get me at all.

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There are very few things that make me laugh til I cry. Now, I will snort like I’m rootin’ for truffles all day long, but to make me cry? Well, that’s just a special gift. If you’re one of the few, you know you have the golden ticket to eternity, right? Congratulations.

Anyway, I found this site yesterday through a friend. The first post I read was funny and made me chuckle. I loved the style of the art work and her voice so I thought I’d skim through some of her past posts. I started with the her Best Of list. I scrolled down and found a post on Spiders. Now, if you know me at all, you know how I feel about spiders. The only thing that remotely compares to my spider fear (they are all out to kill you) is my fear of clowns (they are also out to kill you) and if spiders and clowns ever got together? I would die on the spot. OMG. Seriously. I just had a panic attack at the thought.

Anyway, Allie and I apparently share a brain when it comes to spiders:

Spiders are scary. It’s okay to be afraid of them.

Go. Read the post. Then come back here…if you can. Because Trust Me. I couldn’t leave her website after I read that. I AM NOW ADDICTED TO ALLIE BROSH. IS THERE A 7 STEP PROGRAM TO PULL ME AWAY FROM THIS WEBSITE? 2 STEPS? Anything? Anyone? Bueller?
Okay, the spiders are funny. And I won’t even talk about how one time I was chased by a wolf spider in my own home. Fishdog was in Chicago on business and I actually CALLED him to tell him that when I was found dead it was because I was chased down and eaten by a wolf spider. Because they are part wolf and they do eat humans. I don’t care what you say. I also won’t tell you about how I carried a baseball bat around with me all night. And that I brutally bludgeoned that wolf spider before it got me first. TRUE STORY. (that I didn’t tell you about)
Anyway, you’re back, right? Okay, cuz now I’m going to send you back to the website to read the BEST POST EVER ON THIS EARTH. I mean, if I’m telling you it is THE BEST POST EVER ON THIS EARTH then you know it is. Right? Right.
The Alot is better than you at everything.


I have been known to abuse Alot and as an English major and a writer, I know better. Just like I know All Right is two words yet I write Alright all the time. Just like I know I’m not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition yet I find myself asking stuff like “Where’s my deoderant at?” constantly. (and for the record, if I ask you where my deoderant is at and you answer BETWEEN THE “A” AND THE “T.” you are likely to get a skillet to the head. Consider yourself warned.)
Anyway, I just had to share my new obsession with you. I hope you find it as awesome as I do.
Hyperbole and a Half is the Epic of Awesome.

fun, fun, fun (til her daddy to the flamingo away)

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This is Frederico. He pointed us into the direction of fun all weekend long. I can’t believe that was our last hoorah! There was much tubing and laughing and lazing about. And the weather was perfect. A fabulous end to a fabulous summer. I’m curious to see if my daddy decides to remove Frederico from his post before next summer. My guess is, poor Frederico will be forcibly removed before too long.

In other news, have you seen my friend Maria Geraci’s book trailer for THE BOYFRIEND OF THE MONTH CLUB yet?

I kinda wanna do one now. Hmmmm.

Did y’all have a good weekend? Ruby the Pug sure had fun, too.

Shenanigans!

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I can’t wait for this weekend. I’ll be playing the role of Ship’s Captain all weekend long (or until I let a boy take over…) The boys and I are headed to Lake Ouachita and meeting friends there for what may be our last lake event of the year.

Birdrunner and her family will be there. My friend Carrie is planning to come. My friend Jenn C. will be there… which means there will be shenanigans galore. If not, then we have failed our task at hand.

Also, Razorback football starts this weekend. We’re hoping to be back at the house by the 6:00 game time to continue the party. Birdrunner suggested we get us some McClard’s BBQ for the game…and I think that sounds like a FINE idea.

In honor of the hogs, I give you my favorite version of the Razorback fight song.

Shake your booty, tutti-fruiti, pop ’em all upside the head! Let’s go for Arkansas! Yes lawd!

prepare to be blinded by the cute

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So Clementine the Tart (aka the pregnant teenage kitty who was abandoned in my yard) has popped. And here we are 6 weeks later, overloaded by the cuteness. These babies are ready for new homes. As much as I hate the idea of getting rid of them (because I do adore all of them) it is way past time. My back porch was supposed to be a beer garden, not a petting zoo.

Did you know that Dr. Pepper boxes make the best Kitteh hidey holes? True story. Here we have (from the left) Mayhem (she’s a striped calico) Chicken Nugget (aka Lemonjello he has a twin brother you’ll see in a second named Colonel Mustard aka Orangejello) and my favorite of them all Kitty G.

Colonel Mustard and Kitty G love to play. Col. Mustard apparently is part vampire. Go figure.

Chicken Nugget posing like a good little boy. That’s Mayhem looking for trouble behind Nugget.

Mayhem is a hot mess.

This is Charlie Chaplin. She’s so shy that I can never get any good pics of her. But she’s sweet as pie. She’s black and white and has a cute little black mustache…

I’m going to post more pics soon. I will continue to post pics until all the kittehs have found new homes. I don’t need anyone thinking I’m the crazy cat lady. I’ll NEVER get a date then!

Romance Snooki-style!

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You know who Snooki is, right? Even if you don’t watch Jersey Shore (Oh how I miss cable…) you should know who the human oompa-loompa with the big bump-it is by now. Here’s a visual aid, just in case you don’t know…

(sorry, I had to throw in the SNL Snooki cuz seriously, it’s the best ever!)

Anyway, apparently Snook and this hot soldier named Jeff Miranda hooked up a couple of weeks ago and now he’s proposed to her, shirtless (as it should be) on a magazine cover. I kinda think it’s the most romantic thing ever…

In all seriousness, it’s a pretty cool proposal, despite the fact that they’ve only known each other for two minutes weeks and I’m quite certain those two minutes weeks were filled with jager bombs, jello shots, and dirty dancing. I mean, who wouldn’t fall in love in that situation? We’ve all been there, right? No? Just me? Hmmm.

So what do you think? Romantic? Foolish? Will she say yes? And do you think if they tie the knot her colors will be orange and brown? Probably not, cuz that would be like Snooki Camoflauge and we wouldn’t get to see her walk down the aisle.

THIS

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funny pictures of cats with captions

I had a great weekend but I’m not ready for today. At all. I even went to bed last night before the Denver/Steelers game was over. I had hoped to see Tim Tebow cry again, but even that hope couldn’t keep my poor, tired eyes open.

Oh, I did have 80s Bunko on Friday night. Check out the picgasm of Awesome:

Do you recognize Jenn’s “character” from a very popular 80s TV Show? I’ll give you a hint: You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and then you have the Facts of Life…

I had to do the ever so popular close up with the hand to the face pic. My bangs were so crunchy, Cap’n Crunch asked to borrow my technique for his next cereal. I was also wearing a blue jean skirt and leopard print leggings with a belt around my awesome Spuds MacKenzie shirt. And Yes. That is my originial Spuds MacKenzie shirt…

Hope y’all had a good one! Maybe I’ll be more myself tomorrow…

Friday randomness

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I love this song. It tells a story completely with so few words. And it’s powerful. And the video is powerful. And if you’re in a relationship that is this volatile, Get Out. Mmmkay?

Love the Way You Lie: Rhianna and Eminem

Of course, you know Eminem is one of my dirty little secrets, right? I can’t go back and find the blog right now, but you can click ‘secrets’ label and find my White Trash Crushes post. I mean, look at this boy. He’s hotter than a tablespoon of raw cinnamon.

Last night we celebrated two birthdays at Girls’ Night Out and we started out as a party of 8 and we ended with a party of 1million 16. We had cupcakes that sparkled, yummy sexican waiters, cleavage, margaritas and ended the night with karaoke. Carla and I performed Love Shack. It was terribly wonderful.

Here’s your Friday iPhone pic (actually here’s 2 pics just cuz you’re special and deserve double)


Do not adjust your screen. Jorge is, in fact, upside down. Actually, he was standing behind my chair leaning over me, so naturally I had to take a picture.

Getting a new pedi tonight, then it’s off to 80s Bunko! Tomorrow I’m hanging poolside with Birdrunner. The role of poolboy will be played by her husband…unless anyone else out there would like to volunteer.

Peace!

the sun! it blinds us from the foozball!

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Tuesday was Rader’s football jamboree. 4 teams got 10 offensive plays or played until they scored (whichever came first). Rader’s team was 4th on the field and played Defense first…it seemed like forever before the Offense took the field because of this:

Yes, we were staring straight into the giant ball of fire as it blazed us with 100 degree temperatures. So not only were we sweating like sinners in church, we were blinded. Which made watching the actual games rather difficult. I did take some pics, but you’ll see…you can’t see anything.

Ah well, I suppose it’s the effort that counts, right?

It’s so weird seeing my kid in full gear, sauntering along like a man-child. Like he was born to wear that uniform and those pads. It’s awesome…but so, so, so weird.

His poor Nonnie is beside herself. She said she’s tortured herself by going to the soccer games (she doesn’t get that sport at all) but did it for her grandkids. However, she draws the line at Foozball. I’m pretty sure she thinks foozball is, indeed, the debil. She just wishes with all her heart that one of the grandkids will play basketball. I suppose Rader could play…though he shoots freethrows like Shaq. (it ain’t pretty)