Author Archives: Just Call Me Mel

unicorns, etc

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First I’d like to share a snippet of just exactly what goes on inside my #2 son’s head:

“Mom, why is it that we never see a solid color Boston Terrier? They’re always cow colored.”

Cow Colored = awesome

Yesterday I was hangin with my friend Laura and her kiddo, Ellis. Ellis was wearing a t-shirt with a weird looking unicorn on it and it said “They stole my freaking kidney!” Okay, this was funny just by itself, but I had to know that story.

And now you will know the story, too.

This one is my favorite: Charlie the Unicorn 2 (The Banana King)

And here’s where they steal his freaking kidney:

There are many others and I plan to watch them all. Because they are warped and awesome and just this side of WTFery.

it was a hoe down.

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Meet Griffy aka Mark Griffin. He and his high school sweetheart had a throwdown-hoe down in BFE Grapevine, AR on Saturday. Griffy is a couple of weeks away from being deployed to Iraq where he gets to shoot a Big Ass Gun .50 Cal and sweat. Alot. He’s going to miss vodka, his friends, his kids and his hot wife. Not in that order. He’ll be back in 300 days and hopefully we’ll have another hoe down so he can throw down.
We love you, Griffy. Be safe and come home ready to partay!

LOVE SUCKS! in the flesh…

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These three things absolutely did NOT happen when I opened the UPS envelope from HarperCollins.

  1. I absolutely DID NOT squeal like a little girl when I saw the glossy cover.
  2. I certainly DID NOT spend 20 minutes with my iPhone trying to take the perfect picture of myself holding the book.
  3. No way did I sleep with the book. No way.

Obviously #2 was a total FAIL (not that I did that at all. because I didn’t.)

I will tell you, originally I wasn’t thrilled about the cover. I wanted a different background (more in line with BITE ME!’s bright solid cover) and I wanted the prom dress (which you can’t see in the picture that I DID NOT spend 20 minutes trying to get the perfect shot of both the cover AND me being cute) to be black. But now that I’ve slept with held the book in my man hands, I LOVE everything about it. The dress isn’t nearly as mauvey/rosey in person. And the girl on the cover is beautiful. And the back of the cover is a GORGEOUS shade of purple.

LOVE IT.

And it loves me, too. It whispered it in my ear last night as I fell asleep. Not that I slept with it or anything. Because I didn’t.

a confession from Wine Wednesday

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Okay, this is nothing like Texts from Last night…I mean, I suppose it COULD BE something like that, sometimes. But since this is about me and there is no way to make this anonymous…my confessions from Wine Wednesday will just be funny little innocent stories that happened last night.

The rest of it will stay in the Wine Wednesday vault.

First off, I have discovered I love every Sauvignon Blanc (that I have tried so far) that comes from Marlborough Wineries. Now, I haven’t tried them all yet, but here’s a short list of the yum that I have tried.

Villa Maria
Nautilus
and my current favorite: Kim Cattrall Crawford

These wines just make me wanna yell More Cowbell WINE!

So the last few Wine Wednesdays have been funny because every time we yelled More Cowbell WINE! our glass was magically filled! It had nothing to do with our awesome server, Trey. I’m sure of it. It was just MAGIC!
Actually, I think it was leprechaun magic because for some reason, we were suddenly inspired to write limericks and haikus (hey, our magical leprechauns could LOVE haikus. So shut it.) On cocktail napkins.

Naturally, the more we yelled More Cowbell! Wine! the naughtier the limericks got. We will NOT be showing you any of those. And just in case you get the wrong idea about me, I did NOT write any of the naughty limericks. Nope. Not one. I promise. (No my fingers aren’t crossed?! I’m was just trying to snap them behind my back and they got tangled up!)

My FAVORITE non-naughty limerick that I wrote was simply a masterpiece…because I managed to rhyme my favorite red-headed waiter named Thomas with the llamas.

Oh yeah. That’s awesome right there.

And I swear, it wasn’t dirty. It’s more like Dr. Seuss.

There once was a boy named Thomas
Who always kept his promise
So when his car broke down
On the way out of town
He had to hitch a ride on some llamas!

Now, I will admit that maybe, just maybe there is another version where I might’ve actually rhymed Thomas with Lorenzo Lamas. And it possibly is naughty. But there’s nothing out there to prove that…

humpday happenins

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First off…Team BITE ME! took first prize at trivia night last night! YAY! It had been a few weeks since we’ve been #1 so last night’s win tasted super sweet. And the $50 gift card covered our entire tab minus $3 + tip. Can’t beat that with a stick.
The only thing that would’ve made last night better? We were missing ALL-CAPS Kristal. Trivia night just isn’t the same without my compadre.

I finally caught up on this week’s Bachelorette. Good Lord. Kasey needs to take about 7 types of medication. And if I ever hear any of you say “Guard and protect your heart.” I will punch you in the nuts. And if you don’t have nuts, I’ll punch you somewhere in the vicinity of where your nuts should be. That phrase is banned forever and ever and ever. Amen.

Rapid & random topic change
So my daddy and I were talking the other day and he said something I hadn’t heard him say in forever. “That girl is so ugly, she has to sneak up on the well to get a drink of water.”

Wow. That’s some kinda ugly, I guess. Made me snort when I heard it. He also says “That boy got hit in the face with the ugly stick and the stick broke.” I’m thinking my daddy thinks there are lots of ugly people in this world. Sometimes being southern is just plain funny.

I don’t know why I thought y’all needed to hear that.

BTW, thanks for the emails, comments, texts, etc. fully supporting (<–bwahahaha!) me and my Cleavage von Cleavageton bathing suit. The consensus is, "If you got it–flaunt it." I'm not sure about flaunting, but I'll happily wear it again.

Release day for LOVE SUCKS! is just a few weeks away! July 27 is right around the corner!! YAY!!!

Dirty Little Secret: Sarah Jessica Parker & I have 1 thing in common

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Dirty Little Secret # 5 (I think)

Know what SJP and me have in common?

No, it’s not our body type. She’s a stick–I’m a marshmallow (fluffy and fabulous)

No, it’s not our hair. Duh.

No, it’s not our taste in clothing…

No, it’s not Matthew Broderick (anymore)

Tired of guessing?

The one thing me and SJP have in common is we both have Man Hands. (though I will admit her hands are MUCH more manly than mine. I win.)

Seriously, when people ask “what’s the one thing you’d change about yourself.” you’d expect my answer to be “my thighs.” or “Antarctica aka my ass.” Or maybe even “my metabolism” (ok, yeah, I would really like to change that.) but no…those are not ever my first answer. My first answer has always been and will probably always be “My man hands.”

Growing up I never felt very feminine. I was an athlete. I wore shorts, jeans and sweats. My hair was always in a pony tail. Makeup was something I used to remind boys that I was actually a girl. I was tough, had a potty-mouth, wasn’t petite, and I had man hands.

Fast-forward 20 years…the only thing that has changed is that I now wear dresses. Do you know how weird it is to have on a dress and still have Man Hands?

So yeah. That’s my dirty little secret. Sure, it’s not as fun as my naughty river overflowing for Blue’s Clues Steve, or my white trash crushes…but still. It’s another of the many Dirty Little Secrets that I find the need to confess here in my blog. Next time you see me in person, please try not to stare at my Man Hands. I know it will be difficult…

back from Cleavage, um I mean, Beaver Lake

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It takes 4 hours to drive to Beaver Lake. My air is out in my car. I was swimming in my own sweat by the time I arrived.

It was so worth it.

I am back. Relaxed. And ready to rock.

Oh. and I tried out a new bathing suit…you guys think I’ve done cleavage before? Um no. This suit was made in Cleavagetown designed by Cleavage von Cleavageton. I love the suit, but I’m not so sure it’s suitable for mixed company. Or at least if children are nearby. Like in the same county.

I thought about posting a picture, but then I might have to change the rating of this blog…

Oh hell. Why not? You tell me, yay or nay? Do I bravely wear this suit amongst the mere mortals or do I wear it only amongst my goddess like girlfriends?


Did y’all have a good weekend?

the rowdy beaver

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The Rowdy Beaver is a bar in Eureka Springs and I’ll be there one day this weekend. When I’m not hanging at the Rowdy Beaver, I’ll be hanging on Beaver Lake with my friends. Don’t worry, I’m gonna hold on to my glasses this time.

Y’all have a good weekend!

vote for this guy

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Speaking of TV… (this would be a reference to yesterday’s blog, fyi)

Go here and vote for this guy. He’s funny. And I would totally watch his show–if I still had cable.

Watch his audition. He’s pretty damn awesome.

Thanks to Stinkydog for posting this first and letting me steal it.

the BOOB tube

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heheheheheh

I said BOOB.

I no longer have cable tv or a dvr. Surprisingly enough, my world hasn’t imploded, locusts haven’t shrouded my home, and hell (as far as I know) still hasn’t frozen over. But it’s still early, so it may be too soon to tell…

I’m having to be creative about catching up with shows I love like Drop Dead Diva, Burn Notice, and of course TRUE FREAKING BLOOD… (oh Eric, how I’ve missed you) Thankfully, you can watch full episodes on the internet–oh, wait. I don’t have internet either. But, I have friends who do, so I’m pretty much set up.

I do have regular TV (you know, the basic channels with an antenna. Yeah, I’m hip like that. Goin’ old sk00l and keepin’ it real, yo.) So I can still watch some of my favorites like the stupid Bachelorette (Maria, I may never forgive you for making me watch this train wreck) LIE TO ME (which comes on at same time as stupid Bachelorette so I end up flipping channels at commercial) Survivor will be back soon. And there’s this new show with Bradley Whitford & Colin Hanks which is just fun as hell.

Yes. I have a problem with the boobs tube.

The Bachelorette is still boring the crap outta me. (why do I keep watching???) Read Maria’s run down if you want a good idea of what happened last night. It’s redonkulous. I can’t even do my Mystery Bachelorette Theater on facebook anymore because it’s so damn boring. Suffice it to say, the top 2 are obvious, the top 4 pretty easy to pick and between the top 2…one of them will be the next Bachelor more than likely.

I did watch the season 3 premier of True Blood and was thrilled to see my characters back, but was left a little confused. I’m gonna watch it again this week and see if I can unmuddle some of the muck. Drop Dead Diva is such a fun show that everyone should be watching. If you’re not watching, you need your head examined.

Okay, guess that sums up my boob tube problem. Those boobs–they’ll get you every time!