these dreams will suck you dry….

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cat

Last night I woke up at 3:30. I guess I had a lot on my mind because it took me a while to go back to sleep.

Unfortunately, when I did finally fade back into dreamland, I became a blood-sucking vampire.

I was much like the vampires I write about. I wasn’t allergic to light, was going to college(?) and was pretty cute. I didn’t have to feed on humans but if I got backed into a corner, I would.

The details are a little blurry, but I know I was out for a run with my friend and we stopped to talk to some guys that flagged us down. They were funny and flirty and we were happy for the attention. One of the guys asked what I did for a living and I told him I wrote vampire books and he was all excited because his mom was a school librarian and would want to meet me.

Sweet, right?

Riiiiight.

So this cutie-patootie takes me and my friend home and introduces me to his family. His dad is an Archie Bunker type who doesn’t get out of his recliner and his mom is this woman who I’d already met at a school function. What I didn’t know, is she also was aware that I was a real vampire and she was going to kill me.

Well, guess what? She tried and failed. And when we left her, she was writhing on the floor as her body was making a very painful transformation. I let her know that I could’ve killed her, but where was the fun in that?

I started to leave, but the cute boy was torn between avenging his mom and being turned on by my ugly bald head. (Can anyone explain why I was so cute in my ‘human’ form, but when I turned into a vampire I looked like this?

It was my dream, I should’ve looked like this:
We’re gonna pretend I looked like pic #2 from this point forward…

Okay, so my friend and I survive…I turn the boy into a vampire and he wants to be my puppy and follow me around but I tell him he needs to go feed to gain some strength so go find a couple of guys he hates from school and have at it.

Somehow my friend and I are now in a parking garage (nothing good ever happens in a parking garage). We’re getting ready to leave for vacation to the beach (because you know we vampires need our ocean air and vitamin D) She has to go to the bathroom and so we find one. (not really sure I would ever use a parking garage bathroom, but I might if I really had to) I finish before she does and for some reason I decide to wait outside the restroom. Well, I hear this loud commotion from inside and my friend screams. I try to get inside, but the door is blocked. I transform into the ghoulish bald monster (with a hot body) and kick the door down. There are 8 dudes and a chick in the bathroom with my friend, and I’m not really sure how they got in there but I don’t care. They’re vampires too and trying to feed on my friend. Well, I take the chick out first because seriously, what a ho. The weird thing about this part is I can actually feel and taste the blood and I said to her “What the hell kinda chick are you? You taste funny!” I woke up in the middle of killing the big biker dude who was trying to suck my friend dry…

Um, this isn’t the kinda book I write exactly, so I’m not sure why I dreamed this. Maybe it’s telling me I need to try something different? Or maybe I’m really a vampire?

It’s a Cotton Pickin’ birthday!

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Okay, Internet. Please say Happy Birthday to my daddy, Cotton. (you can also call him Slick Mac) and to my beautiful rock-awesome niece Taylor. Happy 15th!!

This weekend was a blur. I was a busy girl. Soccer Mom duties Saturday morning, seeing my bro-in-law!, lunch with my faves Saturday afternoon. A margarita before heading to the Electric Cowboy with my friend Jenn to see the finals of the Arkansas’ Funniest Person contest. (Congrats to Eric Counts! Job well done, sir!) Then afterward….cheese fries, beer, new friends, From Dusk til Dawn (which I had never seen before…which seemed to shock the folks because how can I write vampire books but not watch vampire movies?)

Yesterday I napped a wee bit, painted a wee bit, and watched stupid, freaking-farking Duke beat Baylor. I hate that Baylor choked. (I’m actually talking about why I hate Duke over at Fictionistas today. Check it out when you get a chance…)

How was your weekend, Internet? Were you productive or a slug? And is there anyone out there with a NCAA bracket that’s still alive?

a Mel by any other name would smell as sweet…

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So let’s talk about nicknames. I’m a big fan. I give my friends nicknames all the time and once I say it and it fits, it sticks. And apparently, the same happens to me because I have lots of nicknames. Some of them make sense, some…not so much.

My daddy has always called me Lissa Jane. Now, I love this name, but Jane is not my middle name. (I totally wish it were though) Not sure why daddy started calling me Lissa Jane but it stuck. And at 41 when he’s still using it. (when he’s not calling me ‘gal’)

In 6th grade I became known as French Fry because that’s all I would eat for lunch. Thankfully not long after that, my coach started calling me Mel Mac which turned to Mel or Mac. I’m still called by all those names. (it was a little rough during the Alf years…you know he came from the planet Melmac, right?)

And now…thanks to a friend’s hubby, I can add a brand new nickname to my list: Melf

Yes, he calls me Melf. And that’s just funny stuff right there. Because it can mean 2 different things

Mel Francis: MelF
Hot Mom = Milf / Hot Mel = Melf

It’s no secret that I aspire to be the hot mom. I’m not there yet, but I’m soooooo working on it. When Lee’s hubby started calling me Melf, I figured that I must be getting close.

Do you guys have any nicknames that are a little odd or no longer fit? Do you want me to give you a new nickname? cuz I will…

form of a SPONGE!

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I am a human sponge. No, I don’t go around sopping up everybody’s gravy with my super-absorbant skin. (Though that might be kinda cool…or messy.) I’m one of those people who tends to soak up whatever mood is around her. It can be exhilarating and exhausting.

A few years ago, I cut out the negative forces that were really clogging up my life. When you’re a sponge, being around negative, sad, sulky, bitchy, WTFery people all the time tends to make you a negative, sad, sulky, bitchy, WTFery sponge. Which means you feel bad all the time. Which also means you look bad all the time. You know what I’m talking about, right? All those people who have this permanent look on their faces like they just smelled bad ham? Yeah. I didn’t wanna look like that so I just Hulk-Smashed them right out of my life.

And so even though it’s better to look good than to feel good I can honestly say, I’m both. 😉 (because nobody looks good when they’ve just smelled bad ham)

I can hear you now, Internet. You wanna know what my point is, don’t you?

Nothing. I have no point. I just wanted you to know that when you’re feeling sad, I will too. When you’re feel bad, I will too. When you’re happy, I’m happy. When you’re…um, yeah. Let’s just say sometimes, it’s not easy being green me…

I guess that kinda makes me Kermit’s kindred spirit…

Now who’s got gravy? I’m hungry!

ANNOUNCEMENT: email FYI

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If you’ve tried to contact me via my contact page, I have apparently not been receiving my emails since Feb 20! Please use this email address until this problem has been rectified:

oatmellow @ gmail . com

(without the spaces, naturally. don’t want those stupid spam bots sending me unwanted sex spam. unless it’s good sex spam…but it never is…)

um…where’d you go spring?

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Internet,

I was so distraught yesterday when I went outside because it was fargin’ cold! And I was all “you fargin’ ice hole winter! go away!” and winter was like, “no.”

Saturday I walked over 5 miles and got a little bit of sun. I wore a tank top and shorts for Vitamin D’s sake! It was near 70 degrees. And yesterday? It snowed in parts of Arkansas. Like snowed lots. And I thought for a brief, terrifying moment that the snow was gonna visit us for a little bit and in that moment, my spring-like life passed before my eyes.

So today it’s still kinda cold. And wet but it’s supposed to warm up and dry up. And tomorrow it will be near 70 again, so I will be near bliss again. But still, this is not how I wanted to start toward the end of THE MONTH OF MEL!

Today was almost a very bad morning. Guess what I almost did? I almost ruined my day by grabbing the box of Kosher Salt instead of the Raw Sugar (because let’s face it, everything is better in the raw) for my coffee. Um, yeah, can you imagine how not yummy that would’ve been? Thankfully the coffee gods tapped me on the shoulder just as I was about to pour the salt into my yummy morning nectar of wakefulness. Coffee Salvation was had by me!

This is spring break for the boys and I’m pretty sure they thought they were gonna nerd out and play video games all day, every day. But I’m kind of a bitch and have taken the cords away because they haven’t cleaned up the man cave (aka the penis cave) and they haven’t cleaned up their rooms…so until they do, no video games/computer for you! Hah! Torturing the chillrens is fun! I figure if I’m gonna pay for their therapy eventually, then maybe I should give them something to talk about.

Happy Monday Internet! Got big plans today? What did you do over the weekend?

random Saturday musings

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Hello INTERNET!

I’ve missed blogging so much, I thought I’d do the rare thing and post on a Saturday. I KNOW you’re excited. Like so excited. You’re welcome.

First of all, I have golf clubs in the trunk of my car. It seems like maybe I should utilize those things. I took lessons several years ago but I’ve never actually played golf. Like been on a golf course and hit the ball and follow it and hit it again–lather; rinse; repeat. Now I don’t expect to do that anytime soon because I’m not going to go alone, but hey, I would like to take a few swings again. (though I will admit that my chesticle area made it difficult to swing properly…)

Now, let’s talk about March Madness. I have a love/hate relationship with the NCAA Tournament. It never fails that I pick a team to go to the finals and that team will get knocked out in the first round. NEVER. FREAKING. FAILS.

This year’s loser du jour would be VANDY. C’mon Vandy? WTF? Seriously? If you were gonna put it to me like that, you should’ve at least taken me to dinner first. And a movie. Hell, at least you could’ve bought me a 40 oz and pretended to be into me for a minute. Wow. That was just uncool.

Also on my list is Marquette. No, I didn’t have them going to the finals, I had Duke and Vandy in the finals with Vandy smearing Duke because I loathe Duke (you can thank Christian Laettner for that…) I had Marquette going to the Elite Eight. Hmph. They barely made it out of the starting gate. Thanks for petering out Marquette. Thanks so much for making it soooooo worth my time.

Texas disappointed me but I had them losing in the next round, so we’re all good. Sadly, I also picked FSU because I do love the ‘Noles…and I did have them getting to Elite Eight as well…but I’m really not surprised by their performance. It’s FSU. That’s what they do.

But Marquette and Vandy? Humph.

So my bracket is not very pretty right now. Unless you think that redlines are pretty to look at…

Okay, that’s enough bitching about my poor bracketology. Now all I can hope is that Kentucky goes all the way and smears Duke in the final 4…and then takes the title.

Stupid frickin’ frackin’ farkin’ Vandy.

MONTH OF MEL: Day 19–I’m [sorta] Baaaack!

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Dear Blogiverse,

I have missed you like I would miss oxygen (NOT to be confused with the Oxygen Channel). Wow. Who knew that when my ability to ramble on daily went away, it would feel like a phantom pain?

Okay, so at first, it was kinda nice not having the pressure of waking up and posting something witty. I mean let’s face it, being witty every single day is a talent. But conjuring wit every morning with my cuppa Joe can sometimes be challenging.

So much has gone on since we lost contact. The MONTH OF MEL started! I had a party, wore a tiara and a lighted feather boa! I had friends feed me and play with me and pet me and call me George! I painted my toes Leaf Him at the Altar Green! Soccer season started! My eldest son turned 16! (Yes, my baby tree frog is now a 16 year old young man with attitude the size of Antarctica…and he doesn’t want to learn to drive? WTF?) I mean, wow. Look how much you missed, Internet!

So pictured is my friend @JennChristman who attended my little Sexican™ Birthday Soriee at Cantina Laredo right here in Little Rock. I’m actually beginning to feel a little bit like Norm from Cheers when I walk in now. The Sexicans™ all yell MEL! when they see me and before I sit down one of the waiters will have a pomegranate margarita with sugar on the rim sitting in front of me before I can snap my fingers. (Okay, maybe I’m not quite like Norm because I don’t remember an episode where Norm drank a margarita or got hugged by Sam every time he walked into the bar…)

The party was fab. I felt special. As everyone should on their *ahem* 28th birthday.

Here’s a couple of more pics to satisfy your voyeuristic desires. I know you INTERNET! One pic is never enough is it?

The muy caliente Sexican™ pictured is none other than my pal Carlos. I also have a couple of pics with him wearing a tiara. I’ll spare his reputation by not posting them. The muy caliente chica is my friend Carla. We will not talk about the tongue thing. I have more pictures from this party of tongues….


the boys pictured are Wesley, and Omar. Two more boys attended the mostly Girl’s Night Out Partay: JFerg and Cmac. A good time was had by all.

Oh and look at my toes:
My friend JenB (not to be confused with JennC) took me to eat sushi and get a pedi for my bday. I am a lucky girl.

Oh and I found my first Four-Leaf Clover of the year yesterday!

So, welcome back to Mel-O-Drama. I’ve missed you Internet! I know you’ve missed me, too….right? (this is where you say, ABSOFREAKINGLUTELY!)

What’s been going on in your neck of the blogiverse?

(obviously we’re still having some technical difficulties with the blog. Old pics aren’t showing up, etc. We’re transferring over from blogger to wordpress so just hang in there…)

THE GREAT RADIO DEBACLE OF 1983

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Once upon a time I was a high school freshman.

My 9th grade year was full of firsts. First love (hi Dmac!) First hickey (hi Dmac!) First diet. First pair of designer jeans. First C…

and my first time as a radio star.

Well, sorta.

An old friend and I reconnected on Facebook this week and he mentioned that he can’t think about me without thinking about THE GREAT RADIO DEBACLE. Ah yes. RadioHead by thy name.

See, it all started out innocently enough. I had this Civics teacher who I couldn’t stand. She was boring and mean. And she couldn’t stand me. Mostly it was just a personality conflict, but it became personal when she assigned me a controversial topic to debate. The class voted via secret ballot before the debate and again after. I swayed the class. (I can be quite convincing, ya know.) She didn’t like it because it went against her beliefs. (yet she assigned me that topic and that side of the debate) and she honestly took it out on me everyday after that.

So anyway, one of the morning shows was hosting “complain about a teacher day” and so I called in. The DJ asked me questions about her, and I answered them. I never named her, but I did talk about her (lack of) teaching habits (she read to the class directly from the book) and I talked about the debate. And then…I decided to spout off one more thing. “Not only is she mean and boring, but she also looks like a rat.” (She totally looked like Master Splinter from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!)

Now, I didn’t say my name and I certainly didn’t think anyone would know it was me…so imagine my surprise to discover the whole school was talking about it when I arrived that day.

Oh yes. Word travels fast…

What a mess that turned out to be. I had Master Splinter in 2nd period and the first thing she did was read the definition of Slander in front of the class.

slander [slan-der]
–noun
1. defamation;
calumny: rumors full of slander.
2. a malicious, false, and defamatory
statement or report: a slander against his good name.
3. Law. defamation by
oral utterance rather than by writing, pictures, etc.

I had no idea she would find out about it; I had NO idea my little call would cause such a problem! So I was seriously ready to apologize to her until she got up in front of class and threatened to sue me for slander stating that calling her a rat was defamation.

And that’s when I stood and said, “I’m sorry, but I did NOT call you a rat. I merely said you look like one. And I stand by that opinion.”

I spent the day in and out of the office. My mom was called in and we had to have a meeting about my poor decision making.

Mom stood by me. She said what I did was stupid (and it was) but I did it on my own time, didn’t name the teacher, and since there is this thing called freedom of speech, there was little the school could do.

And she was right. I did get D-Hall for mouthing off to Master splinter in class, but they couldn ‘t punish me for the radio stunt.

Master Splinter continued to punish me all year long (I love it when adults act like children. You know, I was 15. I was stupid. She was the adult. She should have risen above her hurt pride and set an example. But no.) She accused me of cheating once (which didn’t happen and even the counselor agreed it appeared that she was trying to get me back) and she gave me my first unearned C on a report card.

I will say that even though the stunt I pulled was EPIC on the scale of dumbassness, I believe that whole incident really helped shape me into the person I am today:

Oppositional.