Author Archives: Just Call Me Mel

friday miscellaneous

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This smile? Courtesy of Friday.

 
  • The Watson’s house did NOT eat my hair dryer. This is very good news, because I like their house a whole lot.
  • I woke this morning to the sounds of war with the excavation crew across this street blowing shit up like Bin Laden was still alive hiding in a bed of quartz.
  • Bobcat is going to have to learn to use his teeth and claws for evil ON SOMEONE ELSE. He is biting the hand that feeds him. Soon he will be implanted permanently in a wall if he isn’t careful.
  • I had fun looking through some old pics on my computer last night. I found this lovely item

This is me in 9th grade. I had the worst “jump” shot ever. Am I even off the ground? Also? The hair is pretty much an awesome mullet. Because you couldn’t play basketball in the 80s and not have a mullet. I am a walking cliche. Aren’t you glad you know me?
  • I also found my fat pictures. The ones I took as a “Before” shot. HOLY SHIT. My eyes! They burn! These are never to be seen by another living human ever again. Wow. I may have a long way to go, but I sure have come a long damn way, that’s for certain.
  • I’m so ready for the weekend. This has been a crazy week and I need some down time. And some John Deere time. He’s been missing me.
  • It looks like it might rain, so here’s hoping…
Y’all have a great weekend. I plan to.

it’s my right as your mom to give you something to talk about in therapy

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You’re my kid. I’m gonna pay for your therapy anyway, so I’m gonna give you something to discuss. Like how your momma has ruined your life by posting pictures of you sleeping on the internetwebz where they will remain forever and ever.

Yes, this is what happens when you don’t get out of bed in the mornings…



Oh and according to Sleeping Beauty, a giant ziplock back of Cap’n Crunch in your backpack helps you focus better. I mean, I always thought that’s what the Concerta was for, but hey, if Cap’n Crunch is doing the same thing…carry on.
Sleeping Beauty also informed me that if I let the world know my secret identity, he would probably need even more therapy. I guess he didn’t like that I was carrying my personalized backpack today. The very one given to me by the super hero delegation. This backpack works for me and me alone, as it is synced up with my DNA. (My evil twin sister keeps trying to take it from me, but my backpack is super smart. OR am I the evil twin sister? Hmmmm)

HELP THIS IS THE REAL SUPERGIRL! MY DNA EQUAL HAS STOLEN MY IDENTITY! SAVE ME!

Shut up, you! Do I even look remotely evil? You’re the evil one. And I look better in pink.

NO YOU’RE EVIL!

I’m rubber and you’re glue.

SAVE ME INTERNETZ! DON’T LET HER USE MY BACKPACK OF AWESOME! NOTHING GOOD CAN COME OF THIS!

No good can come of you wearing pink. Where’s the super glue? Oh, there it is…Suck it, Super Bad. I’m the real Supergirl and you’re just SOL.

MMFMFMFMFFFFFMMMMMMMM

Aw. Someone isn’t so super after all.

Can y’all do me a favor? (because I’m asking, not because I’m going to use my super powers for evil and cover the world in locusts and booger flavored jelly beans) If you guys are on Facebook (and you know you are) Will you please go “like” our HEY DON’T JUDGE ME page? And if you’re reading the recaps, can you “like” the ones you dig? Because we’re trying to get advertisers so we can get paid and we’re really, really close to that, so the more you LIKE the better chance we have of making a dime or two and becoming internetz famous.
And you KNOW you want me to be internetz famous. Even more so than being the “other” Melissa Francis. You know, the one not on TV…(true story, I always wanted to be on Little House on the Prarie. I figured if there were 3 other Melissa’s on that show, then I should be, too…)

yo yo yo

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Ain’t got much for you today. My Bachelorette recap is up! (sorry I’m late. Can you believe I’m actually expected to work sometimes?)
Other than that, I am still wanting a half grape/half peach Cajun Sno and may have to get me one at lunch today.

your house ate my hair dryer. Also we discuss camel toes.

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First off, I think the Watson’s house ate my hair dryer. They can’t find it anywhere, yet it’s not in my bag or car… So the only logical answer is their house ate it.

Secondly, someone in Australia googled “bitchin camel toe” and my website was #93 in the search results. That is very disappointing. I would have thought we’d have ranked much higher in the bitchin camel toe department. So now I have a goal to be ranked in the top 10. I know that’s a big jump, but I’m sure where there’s a will, a camel, and a toe, we can make it happen. I know I can count on y’all for help, right? These pics should help…

The other thing I’m getting lots of searches for is “Pin Up Nurse with Red Hair” and “Nurse Shoes Pin Up” Hmmmm. Someone’s got a little fetish going on…not that I blame you.
My two favorite searches recently have been “Superior boobs” (thank you!) and “Ames Bachelorette Retarted look” (Bless his heart.)
Okay, let’s go back to the bitchin camel toe for a second. SURELY THOSE AREN’T REAL TATTOOS?! I mean, how drunk and stupid do you have to be to tattoo a camel to your toe? I’m all about the tattoo…but c’mon! How would you explain that one to the grandkids? “MawMaw just really had a thing for camel toes…”
Uh. No. Thank. You.
I’m going to be working on my Bachelorette recap today…hoping to have it posted shortly after lunch, but it might be later. It was a good one (despite the Presidential Interruptus! He totally hijacked the show just as one of the final 3 Douchetestants was breaking up with Ashley! It was a Presidential Cock Block!) I suppose if you’re ever gonna get cock blocked, it really doesn’t get much better than directly from the White House.

I blame Max

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For introducing me to blueberry vodka. From now on…it’s all his fault. Always.

Oxford was fun. We swam, played, rested, rinse, repeat. The weather was damn near perfect! I think it was only mid-80s on Saturday, which felt like a damn cold wave compared to the triple digits we’d been experiencing lately.
Many, many thanks to the Watson’s for giving us a bed to sleep in and a pool to swim in and a fridge to store our beverages in! (I think I left my hair dryer…oops)
We saw HP7 part deux while in town. I liked the movie a lot and thought that overall they did the series justice with way they filmed it. Snape’s story line was beautifully told and very touching. I got a little tear a couple of times, but didn’t openly cry like I had been warned I would do. Guess I’m hardcore and didn’t even know it.
I think I might try to actually WRITE SOMETHING this week. I spent much of the drive plotting a couple of story ideas…something I haven’t really done in a long time. When I wrote BITE ME and LOVE SUCKS I actually plotted them out during my drives from Oxford to Little Rock. I guess the only thing that has changed is the direction of the drive…wish me luck!

I have no title so suck it Trebek

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I hit the reset button yesterday after the morning from hell and overall the day turned out okay. My air still isn’t fixed, but they swear it will be taken care of TODAY. I’m pretty sure they had the part shipped from China via the Pony Express. I hope it’s repaired today because I’d actually like to go home and do stuff like laundry before we head out of town on Friday. (Hey Oxford…are you ready for us?)

My Bachelorette recap was posted yesterday. I’m pretty stoked about seeing the next episode of drama when we meet Ashley’s crazy freaking sister Amy Winehouse. She looks and acts like her, so as far as I’m concerned, that’s who she is…It’s gonna be a good time, y’all.
I really wanna Yard Art Farm. Yes. I have a thing for large metal animals. ESPECIALLY the 5ft Giant Metal Flamingo that Galaxy Furniture has. El Jefe and I have decided we should buy one of each of the metal animals and position them around my flower bed like it’s a trough…and then just move them all slightly each day so it looks like they’re alive.
But whether I do a yard art metal animal farm or not, my life may not be complete without the giant metal flamingo. I’m for serious.
Especially since Lumpy the Drunk decapitated my little metal flamingo a few weeks ago. A GIANT metal flamingo would totally rid the place of all negative energy. Like burning a bundle of sage by the doorway. Only it’s PINK and GIANT and in my yard! (and not on fire, because there is a burn ban right now…)
and now…just because this always makes me laugh like a loon, SNL’s Jeopardy. I totally heart Will Ferrell. I know this isn’t right on so many levels, but I can’t help myself.
Also…suck it, Trebek.

this picture says it all

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Bobcat Greyskull has been mostly on his own for a few days since my air has been out of service and we haven’t been staying at the Easy Bake Oven house. Last night, I stayed there (even with 3 fans pointed toward the bed, I was soaked with sweat until after 2 am). Anyway, BCGS was in full Spazzatron mode last night. That look you see there? That’s what I experienced for 4 hours non-stop.

I have been punished appropriately for my sin of abandoning him. I apologize BCGS. I won’t let it happen again.
This morning, I bounce out of bed, totally well-rested force myself upright, rubbing the lack-of-sleep tension out of my neck and shoulders, get ready for work, hop in the car…only to see the SERVICE ENGINE light come on. And when the car is in idle…it’s revving. On its own. Like it belongs in a Stephen King novel…
Mom offers a ride. We head toward Little Rock with a song in our heart…only to be rear ended by some idiot who said “I slammed on my brakes!” No dude. You slammed into us. Anyway, my momma let him have it. I’m pretty sure he had no idea that a 72 year old, 5 ft tall woman could be such a badger. She made him take his bluetooth ear piece out and told him he needed to start paying attention to the cars in front of him, not whoever he had on the phone.
There was no damage, which was good, but he hit us hard enough that I was jolted forward and I will probably be hitting a chiropractor this week.
And that was my past 24 hours….so how was yours? I think I’m winning the one-up stories lately! So go ahead and try to beat me…

quit being so nosy

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Found a ceramic nose in El Jefe’s driveway this weekend. Bet you can’t beat that story!

Also, apparently my 13 year old son was a big hit at Rick Astley and Weird Al karaoke on Saturday. I’m sad I missed it live but luckily fishdog recorded it for a lifetime of awesome. If you’re my FB friend, it’s posted there. Go forth and enjoy NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP in its teenaged cracking voice glory. It is a wonder to behold.
I had a good weekend. And did I mention I found a nose?