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Category Archives: Health & Fitness
lord love a duck
Does anyone have any idea where that phrase came from? I don’t. And I say it all the time.
Perplexing. Continue reading
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to scale or not to scale, that is the question.
I have decided NOT to scale anymore.
Fuck you, scales. You’re a Liar McLiarpants and I don’t like liars.
Seriously? I know muscle weighs more than fat. I know I’m muscular and tend to develop quickly when working out…which is why I’m using low weights/high reps. Not that I’m afraid of bulking up…I’m not. I WANT to build muscle. I need to increase my metabolism and I know I am because I’m waking up starving to death in the mornings.
But my scales are an asshole. Complete and total asshole.
So I’ve decided to stop weighing. Because it does nothing but depress me. Especially since I’ve spent the last 3 weeks doing nothing but journaling my food/calories and working out like a boss and eating and drinking right…and then I weigh and it tells me I’ve gained 4 more pounds.
Go home scales, you’re drunk.
Do you know how hard not weighing is going to be for me?
I know that weighing goes back to my dreaded high school years when I kept being “put” on a diet. You know, because being 5’6 with hips and weighing 140 lbs was considered fat in the 80s. They weren’t big fans of the Big Butt, So What school of thought back then.
Anyway, I was expected to weigh in at least once a week. Unfortunately, I start getting weirdly competitive with myself and start weighing daily…I tell myself it’s to keep track of my progress, so I can catch myself gaining again. The problem with that is, I start to obsess. And then I get pissed off when I KNOW I’m doing everything right and the scale refuses to acknowledge my hard work.
I’m going to hide them. Actually, I’m going to give them to El Jefe and tell him to hide them. Somewhere I’ll never look. Probably a good spot would be where we store the dusting supplies, since I never dust.
Fuck you, Scales. I’m so over you. We’re breaking up. I hear Taylor Swift may be looking for a new relationship. If you’re lucky, maybe she’ll write a song about you.
And to end on a happy note, here’s the gratuitous cat picture of the day. Big Baby: He’s such a big baby.
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It’s been 15 days…
And I’ve done some form of exercise 12/15 days.
For me, this is quite an accomplishment. Seriously.
I realized this morning, as I was getting dressed, that I feel good. Like, REALLY good. And it’s nice to look in the mirror and not hate your body. Because honestly, there is nothing healthy about hate. I used to be obsessed with fixing my body. OMG. My body is not broken! I’m not broken!
There is nothing healthy about obsession, either.
Anyway, back to my realization.
In the not-so-distant past, I worked out to see exterior results. I NEEDED to hear people tell me I looked good. I needed the compliments and to be noticed for all my hard work. But this time, it’s different. I’m finding a beautiful sense of satisfaction on the inside. Knowing I’m working hard and feeling great is all the reward I need right now. I’m doing this for me. I like the compliments, but I don’t NEED them.
There is so much freedom in knowing I’m doing this for myself.
And that’s why, this journey is going to be different from my journeys in the past. I am the only motivation I need.
But you can still tell me I look good. 😉
Happy Friday, Bitches! I have Bunko tonight, and I’m totally stoked because I haven’t seen my Babes in a while. You guys have a great weekend, and I’ll see you on Monday.
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and she cried more, more, more!
Just in case you care, here’s a copy of last night’s workout. (I’m combining various HIIT/and muscle specific exercises for a variety of workouts) Also, I’m not a fitness guru, I’m doing this on my own, at my own risk. If you decide to follow my workouts, it’s all on you. I’m just a moron who can’t afford a personal trainer. You don’t have to be one, too.
Bootyliciousness workout #6
By the time I was done with this half-hour…I was crying NO MORE! and I was sweating like a cold beer on a hot table.
I’m staying pretty focused and doing well with my daily exercising…I’m sore, but not in pain. I’m sleeping better and I’m pushing myself to do just “one more” and not quitting when my body wants to.
I’m struggling with keeping my core tight and maintaining appropriate posture when I get tired.
But it’s a process. And I’m showing progress, so no complaints here. (other than, FEED ME!!)
So last night…I had a dream about my ass.
Yep. You read that right. I. Had a dream. About my ASS.
I dreamed that I woke up one morning and was getting dressed and looked in the mirror and my ass looked like this:
It ain’t gonna spank itself, fellas.
Now you know why I’m doing all those damn squats. I know my ass is never gonna be this size, but if it could be that shape? I’d never keep my hands off my own ass.
Oh well. I’m always going to have a big butt (So WHAT?) and that’s why, this is my motto
let’s hear it for more, more, more lunges, squats and big ol’ butts that cannot lie!
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Operation Bootylicous Workout #5
I saw this workout on Pinterest yesterday and decided to modify it to fit my needs.
I actually had planned to do the 80 lunges and go into the 70 squats, but that changed when I got to 30 lunges. I’m just not there yet. Because of the arthritis in my elbows, I have a very hard time with planks and push ups, so I made an adjustment to suit my body.
I did this set twice, and by the end, I was winded and wobbly. The sign of a very good workout! And it was a nice change of pace from what I’ve been doing. You know, I don’t wanna be bored…
Last night, I was ravenous about an hour after the workout. I had eaten a big green salad prior, and had a high protein shake afterward, but apparently my body needed more. Unfortunately, it was 9:00 and I don’t eat that late, so I fixed myself some green and roasted dandelion root tea and toughed it out. However, when I woke up this morning, I made myself a yummy little egg and cheese open-faced sandwich on the Pepperidge farm thin whole wheat bread because my stomach had tried to eat my spine overnight.
Increase in hunger is to be expected when your metabolism is kicking into gear, but sadly, I’m not a runner who is competing and needs to fuel up on as many calories as I burn. I’m a girl who is trying to lose weight, and has to remind herself that the point of exercising is to burn the calories…not to jump into a vat of cheese dip and while eating all the chips just because you exercised…
Hmph.
In other, non-workout and whiny because I’m hungry news: Pearl is up and running again! Ian’s dad helped us out with purchasing a new battery and she seems to be purring like a kitten. She still needs to have some tweaks done to her, so we’ll take her in next week and have her looked at. I drove her today, to make sure she was safe. I don’t want Ian carting the 4 year old he’s babysitting around in Pearl if she’s going to break down again… Looks like we’re a go, for take off! yippee!
Ian and Pearl
Life is good, bitches. Live a genuine life and be happy. Or else I might have to get stabby all up in this place. Don’t be taking shit for granted, ya hear?
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When a woman of substance becomes one with her substance
OMG y’all! I did yoga on Saturday. Well, I did “yoga”. It wasn’t exactly pretty, but it wasn’t a total fail either.
I’m obviously so at peace. Right? (Helpful hint #1) fresh pedicures are very important for yoga, otherwise you may or may not obsess about your gross, callused, bootcamp feet the whole time… )
OK. So my friends Crystal and Charity (the twins) both attend this class and they volunteered to be my photag for this adventure. They did a fabulous job. But let me go on record to say that the ‘close up’ picture of the above shot WILL NEVER BE SEEN IN PUBLIC. I kinda look like a beached manatee. So sexy. And I know the purpose of yoga is to free your mind of the external bullshit and love yourself and your body…but trust me when I say, if I look at that close up too much, there will never be any yoga ever again in my future.
See that adorable pixie in the blue yoga pants? That’s Brandi Soucy. She was our instructor. She’s amazingly gentle and adorable. And so bloody flexible!
I believe it was at about this point I said “AM I SUPPOSED TO BE SWEATING LIKE THIS? WE’RE JUST STANDING HERE!” apparently the answer is yes. Yes, you sweat in yoga.
Here I am with Charity (left) and Crystal (right). Yes. I’m talking about the actual women, not my boobs.
However, they seemed to be very impressed with the girls. I have to brag, I did NOT suffocate during downward dog and that makes me very happy. I strapped my girls in very well.
Sweet Brandi! I think I’m going to attend class again. I may try to do 2 classes a month for a while. I’d like to do it weekly, but I’m just not ready for that yet.
My experience was amazing. And let me just add, that two hour nap I took afterward? It was like a coma.
Thank you ladies for a fantastic experience and for not making me feel like a manatee out of water!
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Gadgets and gidgets and gobots?
Well, no Gobots. Not really. But for old time’s sake, here’s a bit of nostalgia for you readers who have been around for a while. Like me.
Is it just me, or were the Gobots just the poor man’s Transformer?
Anyway…so many of y’all have noticed my health, fitness, OMG I’m trying to eat better! shift in my blog. I used to use my Fat Chicks Running blog for that, but I’ve just decided to move it all here. One stop shopping, so to speak.
Well, since I’ve been adding more food/fitness blogs to my content, I’ve had some awesome private messages and texts, all encouraging and many giving me advice.
My friend Amy (who I used to work with in Oxford) messaged me last night about this wonder product she’s using to help her with low carb and less processed foods eating.
The GEFU Spirelli Spiral Cutter
This magic tool of awesome lets you cut veggies into spiral so you can have fake pasta! Tough veggies like Sweet Potatoes. Or Zucchini. Mmmmm. It is on my must buy list.
Last night was workout #2 at Melf’s Bootay Compound Bootcamp of Bootyliciousness. I focused on arms and shoulders and of course, abs. It was just me and Ruby and Big Baby last night. Rader had dinner with his Nonnie. Which was just as well. It was an ugly work out. U.G.L.Y. But I feel great today, even if I am a bit sore.
Okay, Bitches. I have a dreaded meeting in 45 minutes. I’ve eaten my breakfast, I’ve fueled up on coffee, and I’m sparkling like champagne. Y’all be good today. Or at least, be good at it!
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have you met my spirit animal?
Meet the Pin Up Girl. 
I have always been enamored with the Pin Up Girls of yore. (Yes. I said yore.) They were soft, curvy, beautiful and their clothes were kick ass! Hell, if you don’t find them sexy, I think you probably needs some therapy. And glasses.
Now, I haven’t always identified with the Pin Up Girl, I’ve just always loved them. Then El Jefe and I started dating and he made a comment to me one day, just a few weeks into our fledgling romance that stuck with me forever. He told me he would love to have an image of me painted onto his motorcycle in pinup style, because that’s what he saw when he looked at me. Basically, he told me I was his calendar girl. I may have swooned.
I’ve never felt more beautiful in my life. That was the biggest compliment ever.
And from that moment on, the Pin UP Girl became my spirit animal. (don’t worry, the dragonfly is still my real totem, but…I’m embracing the Pin Up and making her my bitch)
Okay, RAPID TOPIC CHANGE!
Tonight is Workout #2 of Melf’s Compound Bootylicious Bootcamp. (I know the title keeps changing. Shut up. I like my brain’s ADHD) It will be just me and Rader (and probably my nephew Ryan) because *drumroll please*
IAN GOT A JOB!
That’s right, my fellow interneters. My 19-year-old-practically-grown-assed-son finally landed himself a gig. I’m very proud of him, because this is the job he’s been wanting and has been trying to get since spring. And he didn’t give up. And he did it by himself. Sure it took him a while, but who cares. He did it. On his own. And that’s what matters.
Anyway, back to Melf’s Compound Bootay’s Bootyliciousness. I’m going to add in more upper body tonight. I need to sculpt my awesome so my inner Calendar Girl shows on the outside to everyone. Not just my sexy El Jefe
Hmmm. El Jefe will be home tonight. Wonder if we can convince him to join us in our misery?
I’m sure he’ll be more than willing to cheer us on while taking pictures and laughing…with us. Not at us, of course.
OH and for an awesome fitness blog with tips and workouts and menus (oh, MY), check out Muffin-Topless.com. She’s pretty amazing. And her body is to fucking die for. Damn. You could do laundry on her abs!
And in one last bit of news…I have committed to doing a Yoga class this weekend for the first time in 15+ years. My sweet friend, Brandi Soucy is going to help me out…because I will need extra attention due to the girls. Downward Dog can actually mean suffocation when you’re G for Gifted.
There will be a blog about it next week. And there will probably be pictures. I ask that you keep your judgement of my inflexible fluff to yourself, as I am trying. Laugh all you want…on your inside.
Actually, laugh all you want. I will be. Fuck it. It’s gonna be awesome. And funny. But mostly awesome. 😀
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Melf’s Compound BootyCamp Day 1: Report in, sir.
So…it was kind of a success! I say “Kind of” because clearly, I like to believe I’m still fit as I was when I played 3 hours of basketball every afternoon and ran a 9 minute mile without breaking a sweat.
Just in case you were wondering, I am NOT in high school, anymore.
The boys were awesome. I actually didn’t expect them to take it seriously and get out there with me, but they did. Even my nephew Ryan jumped in!
I made 1 round of all the exercises, which totaled 22 minutes. I had hoped to do the full round of 42 minutes, but it just didn’t happen. I know I got a good workout in though because I wanted to puke a couple of times. That’s how you know you’re doin’ it right. Right? LOL
Or it could have just been the extreme heat and humidity. Whatever.
It was a pretty leg intensive workout, which is what I need. (the boys bitched about it. Said they want more upper body work. hah!) I have large thigh and butt muscles (big butt, SO WHAT?)Â and I need to focus on getting rid of the extra padding around them. But we did arm work along with the leg work, so we did get a pretty full body workout.
I’m quite pleased with my first attempt, thankyouverymuch.
I ran out of energy faster than expected because I didn’t eat enough calories yesterday. I ate some peanut butter on a whole wheat pita about an hour prior to the workout, but…it just wasn’t enough to get me through. I have GOT to do better about eating more calories during the day. The thing about doing the low carb lifestyle is I’m just not as hungry. Which is GOOD and bad…because I have to eat for energy if I’m going to exercise more than just walking. And of course, if I exercise at night, I generally am not hungry at all afterward. Whic
h means I ended yesterday with only 821 calories and I burned 420. Not good for energy levels.
This morning I made sure I ate a good breakfast. A grilled chicken burrito with Greek Cream Cheese and spinach on a low carb, whole wheat tortilla. It was so tasty and satisfying. And I’m not crabby at all.
We’re gonna be back at it on Wednesday night! I hope I can push myself to do more than half the workout. I have a hard time motivating myself to do the workouts. I need a coach to bully me. LOL Oh, the 80s. How I don’t miss being yelled at and shamed for being curvier and slower than the rest of the basketball team. I certainly wasn’t anywhere close to fat at 135 lbs and 5’6 tall. But to hear the coach tell it, I was morbidly obese and lazy.
Which is why, now that I am overweight, it’s really hard for me to motivate myself. I shame myself for the body I have because I felt so much shame about the body I had. WTF is wrong with adults who shame children like that? Don’t they know that shit sticks?
Eh. The only failure is failing to try again. So, I’m just gonna keep trying until I’m successful.
And I’m going to love me for who I am. Because seriously? I’m pretty fat-tastic. FANtastic. Awesome even. And I’m gonna rock this body, no matter its size, shape or leftover shame. There is no shame in being human. There is only shame in being an ugly-on-the-inside human.
I am ANYTHING but ugly. Inside or out.
Let’s stay motivated, bitches!
Bitchin' Fiction: Musings by author Melissa McKenzie / Melissa Francis 