Tag Archives: wtf

let’s talk about feet for a second, mmmkay?

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Ok, I get it Internetz. Y’all really do have a foot fetish. I’ve talked about it before…and now, I’m here talking about it again, you know why?

There’s some dude in Conway, AR going around sucking women’s toes.

WTFityF?

Look, I get it. Feet can be sexy. I mean, what’s not sexy about this?

But here’s my problem with this toe sucking thing (besides the fact that toe sucking in general gives me the giant squicks. And yes, that’s an official medical term.) HOW DID THIS DUDE GET THE WOMEN’S FEET TO HIS MOUTH? Because trust me, if his face was anywhere near my foot? The police would be taking my shoe impression directly from his face as evidence for his justifiable homicide.

What I’m saying is, I’d kick his skull in.Without. Remorse.

Because EW. Gross. Stranger Toe Danger. Keep your fungus tongue off my pretty toes.

Here’s something really funny…his description.

White male in his 40s with a pot belly. 

Um…I see him EVERYWHERE! NOBODY’S TOES ARE SAFE! (I better go get a pedicure this weekend, because seriously, if my feet are going to be evidence in a justifiable homicide case, they need to be pretty…)

Y’all have a great weekend. And try not to miss me too much. I know. It’ll be hard. But there’s always your dreams…

your marketing team should be fired.

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It’s that time again. It’s time for me to talk about commercials that bug me.

Drive Sober is currently running an ad that states THEY’LL SEE YOU BEFORE YOU SEE THEM.

You know what I hate about this? The cop in the invisibility cloak allowed the couple to get into the car. WTF? Isn’t it his job to protect and serve? How is he doing either when he watches a drunk couple get behind the wheel and lets them drive away? How did he know that they wouldn’t run into a nun pushing a baby carriage on the way to the road block? This ad stinks. It’s creepy and it’s irresponsible. This dude should be preventing them from getting into the car, not calling ahead to get them arrested. What a load of crap.

KFC asks: What part of chicken is the nugget?

I’d like to know, WHAT PART OF CHICKEN IS POPCORN? hate. hate. hate. These are the days that I miss having TIVO when I could just FFWD my way through the commercials…

I will admit that neither of these are as bad as GETTING YOUR JUNK CHECKED MAKES A GREAT VALENTINE’S DAY GIFT, but still, no me gusta.

Click Here and do some real good.

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So yesterday I got probably a half a dozen inbox messages from FB friends urging me to participate in the latest “Breast Cancer Awareness” status update game. Last year, it was “Post the Color of Your Bra”, which at least somehow made sense–Bras–Breasts–ah ok.

This year’s supposed game? Stupid. Ridiculous. Asinine. Your birthday month is assigned a number of weeks and your birthdate is given a “craving” and you’re supposed to post: “I’m X Weeks and Craving X” So mine would have been, “I’m 3 weeks and craving mint chocolate.” or something like that.

Really? Do you want to tell me exactly how this is going to raise any kind of breast cancer awareness? Do you not realize this makes you look like a moron. This is what I posted instead:

And then my friend Sherri Jones (who works for ACS) posted in my comments about she’ll gladly take $50 for the American Cancer Society. And I decided, guess what, you get it sister. I’m donating $25 today and $25 next month. Because THAT’S how you raise awareness. You raise money.

Do me a favor, don’t post that stupid game which leaves everyone rolling their eyes. Do some real good and donate some money to ACS or to the charity of your choice. Here’s a quick and easy link. And here’s another. Even $10 would go a long way.

Thanks y’all. And to my fellow Americans? Happy Labor Day. Hope you enjoy your long weekend! I know I will.

vertical.

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I know people say that men are big ol’ babies when it comes to being sick and that women just do what needs to be done no matter how sick they are…

Yeah. That doesn’t really apply to me. I mean, it did when the kids were little, but now? No way. When I’m sick, the world stops turning. (As it should when you’re the Empress) I need to be babied and sadly, I also need to be left alone. Pretty much, you’re screwed no matter what you do… But trust me, it’s always better to do something than nothing at all. Yes. I know. I’m not right, but y’all all love me just the way I am…

What started out as a head cold, ended up as attempted murder by my inside parts. I don’t know if I had a stomach bug or a bad reaction to cold meds, but let me just say, Death WOULD HAVE BEEN WELCOME. <– too dramatic? I DON'T THINK SO.

Anyway, after a day of near death experiences, napping, and lots of Words With Friends I am all better now. I’m vertical. I’ve had coffee. I’m no longer wishing for death. I think we can call today a win.

Super Nerd is Super!

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My kid is awesome. He also isn’t quite right in the head, but I love him anyway. Yes, he wore this to school today. These pants are his 2nd pair of “John Daly” pants. (see other pair below)He has to wear a tie on game days (football starts tonight, YAY!) and so he figures if he’s gotta wear a tie, he should wear it with “style.” Ahem. Well, he is his own person, that’s for sure…



In other news, I woke up full of anger and discontent this morning but after I fed on the souls of several babies, kicked a kitten*, and drank 4 cups of coffee, I felt much better.

Honestly, the souls of the innocent work every time. You should try it.



*ETA: no actual kittens were harmed in this mornings kicking… Don’t send me any hate mail because you have no sense of humor. Mmmkay? Or send it…and then I’ll blog about it. Yeah. Do that.

your house ate my hair dryer. Also we discuss camel toes.

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First off, I think the Watson’s house ate my hair dryer. They can’t find it anywhere, yet it’s not in my bag or car… So the only logical answer is their house ate it.

Secondly, someone in Australia googled “bitchin camel toe” and my website was #93 in the search results. That is very disappointing. I would have thought we’d have ranked much higher in the bitchin camel toe department. So now I have a goal to be ranked in the top 10. I know that’s a big jump, but I’m sure where there’s a will, a camel, and a toe, we can make it happen. I know I can count on y’all for help, right? These pics should help…

The other thing I’m getting lots of searches for is “Pin Up Nurse with Red Hair” and “Nurse Shoes Pin Up” Hmmmm. Someone’s got a little fetish going on…not that I blame you.
My two favorite searches recently have been “Superior boobs” (thank you!) and “Ames Bachelorette Retarted look” (Bless his heart.)
Okay, let’s go back to the bitchin camel toe for a second. SURELY THOSE AREN’T REAL TATTOOS?! I mean, how drunk and stupid do you have to be to tattoo a camel to your toe? I’m all about the tattoo…but c’mon! How would you explain that one to the grandkids? “MawMaw just really had a thing for camel toes…”
Uh. No. Thank. You.
I’m going to be working on my Bachelorette recap today…hoping to have it posted shortly after lunch, but it might be later. It was a good one (despite the Presidential Interruptus! He totally hijacked the show just as one of the final 3 Douchetestants was breaking up with Ashley! It was a Presidential Cock Block!) I suppose if you’re ever gonna get cock blocked, it really doesn’t get much better than directly from the White House.

this picture says it all

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Bobcat Greyskull has been mostly on his own for a few days since my air has been out of service and we haven’t been staying at the Easy Bake Oven house. Last night, I stayed there (even with 3 fans pointed toward the bed, I was soaked with sweat until after 2 am). Anyway, BCGS was in full Spazzatron mode last night. That look you see there? That’s what I experienced for 4 hours non-stop.

I have been punished appropriately for my sin of abandoning him. I apologize BCGS. I won’t let it happen again.
This morning, I bounce out of bed, totally well-rested force myself upright, rubbing the lack-of-sleep tension out of my neck and shoulders, get ready for work, hop in the car…only to see the SERVICE ENGINE light come on. And when the car is in idle…it’s revving. On its own. Like it belongs in a Stephen King novel…
Mom offers a ride. We head toward Little Rock with a song in our heart…only to be rear ended by some idiot who said “I slammed on my brakes!” No dude. You slammed into us. Anyway, my momma let him have it. I’m pretty sure he had no idea that a 72 year old, 5 ft tall woman could be such a badger. She made him take his bluetooth ear piece out and told him he needed to start paying attention to the cars in front of him, not whoever he had on the phone.
There was no damage, which was good, but he hit us hard enough that I was jolted forward and I will probably be hitting a chiropractor this week.
And that was my past 24 hours….so how was yours? I think I’m winning the one-up stories lately! So go ahead and try to beat me…

yo

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Don’t really have much to say today other than my recap of this week’s Bachelorette is up. Ames wore red pants and I may never get over it. Also you should go read just so this picture will make sense to you:

Also, you should check out Stoney’s recaps of Hoarders and season 1 of Glee and Sue’s recaps of True Blood… Good stuff.

That is all. Carry on.

Why Hast Thou Forsaken Me?

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I’m talking to you, Air Conditioner. Shape up or Ship Out!

And it sucks onions that the repair guy can’t get to me until Friday morning. Oh well… the heat index was only 110 yesterday, it’ll be FIIIIIINE.
Grrrr.
The good news is, today is Wine Wednesday and I’m not missing out this time. Me and Kim Cattrall Crawford have a hot date later. And everything will be Aaaaallllll Riiiiiiight.


I’m even wearing my cowboy boots today…so this picture is predicting the future.

In other news, I blogged at FCR about my wardrobe malfunction yesterday at the gym. All kinds of fun was had by all. Or at least by the 2 college boys who witnessed the incident…