sorry I’ve been quiet this week

I just haven’t felt like blogging. I’ve been busy with life. Had food poisoning on Monday. Then an allergic reaction to SOMETHING UNKNOWN ( I did NOT swallow a spider in my sleep, STOP SAYING THAT!) on Tuesday and then hair day, then pedicures with Ian, then birthday cupcakes and wine with friends and now…it’s Friday.

So check out the horror that I woke up to in the mirror Tuesday morning:

kiss me again….

Yeah…um, I have luscious lips but….THIS IS OUT OF CONTROL. I did NOT get collagen and El Jefe did not smack me around (even though I never listen and I totally didn’t make him a sandwich) I just woke up with swolled-up lips. And face. I looked horrific. And as you can see, I had a sad all day.

I took 150 mgs of Benadryl throughout the day on Tuesday and finally, after a full day of being comatose, my lips look less like road kill and more like Angelina Jolie…

In fun news, I was told yesterday that my ass looked awesome in the jeans I will now never take off.

I ordered Turbo Fire videos from Beach Body (the same group that does Insanity and P90X). I need to add something to my bootycamp workouts (which are obviously working even though I haven’t lost any weight, see ass comment above for proof). And now to the reason I haven’t lost weight…

I’m eating too few calories…and then I give up and over eat for a few days, then I eat too few calories.

I cannot do that to myself anymore. I have to change my mindset. I have to fuel my body for the amount of exercising I have been doing. I cannot starve my body and not expect it to go into survival mode and refuse to give up its stored up energy. The 80s & 90s diet mentality that was drilled into my head as a kid is wrong. And I have to freaking retrain my brain.

Speaking of...this article... it choked me up. I was that girl. I was the athlete who was happy with her muscles and curves until her coach and her parents made her feel bad about herself. I was PUT on a diet at 13 years old. Who does that to a kid?

There are some things I miss about the 80s, but that is NOT one of them. BTW, I don’t blame my parents, they didn’t know any better. They did what they thought was right by their daughter. But I do blame my coaches and the doctors and my weightloss consultants who wrongly informed the world that a 13 year old curvy and muscular teen was unhealthy and needed to lose weight because of her body shape. Shame on them.

If you don’t click the link read the whole article (which you should because it really is well written and poignant), here is the last 2 paragraphs that really spoke to me.

I am sorry because many of you walked in healthy and walked out with disordered eating, disordered body image, and the feeling that you were a “failure.” None of you ever failed. Ever. I failed you. The weight loss company failed you.Our society is failing you.

Just eat food. Eat real food, be active, and live your life. Forget all the diet and weight loss nonsense. It’s really just that. Nonsense.


Eat real food, be active and live your life.

I’m going to add “and choose happiness” to that line and live it. Be good to yourself, bitches! Have a great weekend.


As in, let’s “ketchup”!

Ugh. that was horrible. And now I want fries.

First off, happy belated mother’s day to all the moms who don’t suck.

Check out my awesome Mother’s Day gift that my cool boys got for me.

They tried to find me the perfect flamingo they said, but this is perfect. Me gusta mucho.

Update on the spider bite:

Friday I woke with a super swollen and painful arm. Weird. But it’s probably because Walgreens sucks now that they’ve purchased all the USA Drugs and they never seem to be able fill a prescription timely anymore. Apparently they were out of my antibiotic and didn’t bother to tell me prior to texting me that my prescription was ready. So when we get there, they let us know it’ll be ready tomorrow. And it was…around 5:30 pm. Which allowed the toxin/infection another 24 hours to grow. And so, I was pitiful and whiny on Friday while I waited for the meds to kick in.

Saturday I was all better, so I cleaned up my yard.

OH…Why was I cleaning my yard? Because another Hammered McHammerstein decided to drive through a tree in my front yard. She was on Xanax, not booze. That didn’t stop her from getting arrested. Trust me. Here’s some pictures, and if you want real entertainment, watch the video at the end of my blog. Yes. She was followed and filmed. It’s kinda like my own personal episode of COPS.

So I sawed up the giant holly bush she mowed over, and Jefe finally got to the tree in the back yard that broke during the ice this winter. We did LOTS of sawing. And hauling. And I still need to get the left over car debris from the yard before I mow… yippee.

And Mother’s Day started with pancakes and ended with cheese dip with a lot of John Deere time in between. All with my boys… THESE ARE SOME OF MY FAVORITE THINGS!

Now, for your viewing pleasure…Hammered Driving:

yo. whassup? nothin’ much over here

Except for my gross swollen arm from a spider bite.

Stupid spiders. No wonder I hate you so much.

So here I am, back on antibiotics. Thankfully, just one day of the antibiotic cream and the swelling and redness has gone down. I have to pick up my oral meds today, apparently they were out. Yes, I know. Go figure…So glad I wasn’t concerned about sepsis or anything.

Mother’s Day is this weekend. The boys are taking me to brunch that morning, and then we’re spending the day together while Jefe works.

I’m so sleepy today. I blame the Benadryl which I had to take last night because of my grody spider bite. (grody is an official scientific term.) Stupid grody spider.

That’s why I love this so much: Spiders are Scary. It’s OK to be afraid of them.

In other news, Ruby is still Ruby.

Hope y’all have had a spider-free week. If not, I hope you were able to get the bastard before it got you.

I’ll take it!

So this morning, I was given the best compliment ever. I was told I look like Scarlett Johansson from the Avengers. Now, do I believe that? No. Will I ride the waves of awesome from that compliment? HELL YES.

OK, I scanned the internetwebs to see if I could find some remotely normal (as in not sexified hot) pics of Scarlett to make a comparison.

Hmmmm. Well, we both have red hair and a nice rack…but that’s about it. However, I’ll take it. I’ll take it and run…NO TAKE BACKS!

Since today is pretty awesome I’m gonna share some Weird, random, and ultimately unimportant things about me that will help you from confusing me with Scarlett Johansson. (Cuz you know it’s been really hard up until today)

  • I’m a Pisces (Scarlett is a Scorpio…which means she and I would get along well.)
  • I misspell Pisces every time I type it.
  • I don’t like ‘old’ movies. Or musicals (with the exception of two or three)
  • I read my first romance novel when I was 13. (Kathleen Woodiwiss)
  • I don’t eat shredded coconut because it tastes like grass.
  • If it comes between chocolate or lemon dessert…it’s lemon every time.
  • The cotton in Aspirin bottles makes me cringe. As does velour. 
  • I’ve seen Cinderella & Ozzy at least 5 times in concert. 
  • For the longest time, I wanted to have a little girl and name her Mandolin Rain. Yes. After the song. Yes. There’s a reason I only had boys…
  • I love the smell of leather and new money. 
  • Other than my engagment/wedding rings, I’ve only received 1 other piece of jewelry as a gift in my entire life. 
  • I love getting flowers on random days,  but not if that’s all I get for holidays/special occasions. (I think that’s lazy and shows lack of interest). I’d rather get daisies or sunflowers than roses.
  • I like big butts and I cannot lie.
  • Flamingos are my favorite animal. 
  • I love sock monkeys. 
  • I dream of owning a bar on a beach and living in an apartment above it.
  • I wanted to be a soap star when I was in high school. 
  • My first fishing pole was a Snoopy rod-n-reel. My daddy says I threw it into the lake the moment I got my first bite. I say it was Nessie who wrenched the pole from my death grip.
  • My first nickname was French Fry.
  • My first kiss was the summer between 6th and 7th grade on a raft in the middle of the lake.
  • I once made out for hours with my boyfriend in the sheep barn at the Arkansas State Fair.
  • In college, a group of friends and I climbed Pinnacle Mountain after dark. We were on our way down when suddenly we heard ‘HIKERS! COME DOWN FROM THE MOUNTAIN.’ We had been cold busted by park control. Luckily no one got a ticket. 
  • I have a crush on Steve from Blue’s Clues.

So now there is NO WAY you would possibly confuse me with Scarlett Johansson… You’re welcome.

Hope you guys have a fantastic weekend. I will be working and playing. And of course, smiling and sparkling. Because that’s what you do when you’re awesome….

4 days in 10 seconds [estimated]

  • Friday was unfun.
  • Saturday was a blast. Good friends and food and lots of fun.
  • Sunday stranded on the lake with a dead battery with the wind whipping us all over the water like we were Forrest Gump and Lt. Dan.
  • Jumping said dead battery by holding two boats together in the mad wind and choppy water.
  • Monday: Sore muscles from holding two boats together.
  • Yardwork. John Deere Dreams.
  • NEAR FATAL Spider bite on pinky finger by a stupid (now dead) spider that took up residence in my gardening glove.
  • Hanging with Birdrunner by the pool.
  • Bed early. Slept til 1:00. Up til 4:00.
  • Drinking coffee like it’s my lifeblood.

How was your holiday?

hm. very interesting.

So, I was looking for something to blog about this morning. I’ll admit the blogging fodder has been a little lacking lately. I haven’t been inspired. Mainly because all I want to do is sleep. It’s the changing seasons, I’m sure. The weather is cool, the windows are open, the bed is calling.

I decided to go back and see what I was blogging about this time last year and the year before…you know, to see if my well of inspiration would fill back up. I discovered something about myself during my trip to past blogs…I am a cyclical dieter and exerciser.

Last week I jumped back onto the health wagon. I had done so well in the spring, but over the summer, I let it go. I stopped exercising, stopped eating right, stopped everything.

Guess what? According to my previous October blogs, every year at this time, I start back on program.

You know what else I found out? Remember the spider in my mailbox a few weeks ago? Well in Oxford in 2006, the very same thing happened to me, only it was a black freaking widow. I had blocked that memory until I reread my blog. Sigh.

This makes me wonder…do we just repeat ourselves year in and year out? Is life just one big cycle of events that we relive at different times in our lives? Or do I just blog about the same things because I have no imagination?

What do you think?

website, spiders and stephen colbert

WEBSITE UPDATE: We were experiencing some technical difficulties from my contact page, but it is working again now. If you have sent me an email through the contact page, please resend. I didn’t get it. Thanks!

Just in case I wasn’t clear enough yesterday, I hate spiders.

It doesn’t matter what the actual ‘species’ is…it will fall into three categories:

Black Widow
Brown Recluse

Fishdog was so tickled by me yesterday, that he spent half of the night looking up different spiders and asking me what type it was. It was always one of the above three.

Thanks for the outpouring of support. I am calm and collected now. However, I will not be checking the mail anytime soon. *shudder*

Last night…this made me feel so much better. I heart The Colbert Report