Boys and Girls of the Internetz, something very weird happened to me last night and I’d like to tell you all about it so we can all learn a very important lesson.

After my weekly Girls’ Night Out, I had to stop at the store for Kitty Food and Litter. (super sexy, I know) I wanted to go to Target, but sadly, our Target is not 24 hours so I had to go to WarMart. Now, it’s about 11:15 and since I’m no dummy, I park under a light, fairly close to the store. I’m not afraid to go to the store at night, and I’m usually very aware of my surroundings, and very aware of the people in my area.

I checked out and was walking to the car when this very handsome man called out to me and approached me. He had been talking to some folks in another car and that car drove off.

I kept walking toward my car and he walked alongside me, gave me his first name and said, “I never do this, but you are so beautiful that I knew I would regret it if I didn’t stop and at least get your name.”

I said “My name is Mel and thank you, that’s very flattering.”

I started walking again.

“I’d love to take you to dinner sometime.”

I smiled. “Well, I appreciate that, but I don’t have dinner with strangers who stop me in the middle of the night at walmart. Also, my boyfriend wouldn’t like it very much.”

“You don’t have a boyfriend.”

“Okay, well, it’s been nice meeting you. Thank you for the ego boost.”

He doesn’t stop. He says “It’s because I’m black, isn’t it.”

I said, “No, it’s because this is a Walmart parking lot in the middle of the night and I have a boyfriend.”

I pick up my keys and put three of them between my fingers and prepare myself to jab him in the eyes. I’m not scared yet, but I’m no longer feeling like he’s harmless either.

He says, “If you really had a boyfriend, he wouldn’t let you shop in the middle of the night by yourself.”

“I’m a grown woman, nobody let’s me do anything. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to get home.”

He starts saying that “Fate brought us together. We met here for a reason…”

Uh, dude. It’s Walmart. Am I fated to be with everyone I’ve ever shopped with at the same time? I don’t think so. I get to my car and he offers to put my bags in the trunk for me, telling me the whole time how good he would be for me, how nice he would treat me, how I would always feel beautiful and special…

Okay, at this point, I’m a little freaked out. Mr. Handsome Business Man has just become the mayor of FruitcakeVille and he wants me to be his First Lady. No thanks.

I make sure I look at the cameras in the parking lot so they can see my face just in case things go badly. Then I take my basket away from the car, so I can get him away from my car. He walks with me and this is when I knew I was going to have a problem.

“I’d feel better if I could follow you home.”

UH. No. I said, “Listen, I know you probably think you’re being a gentleman right now, but it’s just creepy and I am going to politely ask you to leave me be. I need to get home and no you can’t follow me.”

I get into my car and he walks to his very nice BMW. I drive out of the parking lot, and I swear to God the man pulled out behind me. He did follow me for a bit, so I took a different route, got on the interstate and drove two exits past mine. He actually went the other way once I got on the interstate, but by this point I was freaking out and soooooooo didn’t want to take any chances.

I was up for a while last night, calming down. I learned something about myself…I’m too damn approachable and friendly. I need to be hardcore scary. I have never had anything like that happen to me, but now I’m thinking I may need to take a self-defense class…or as El Jefe suggested, possibly start packing heat. (ok, I can’t imagine I’d ever actually carry a gun.)

Ladies, please be smarter than me. I should never have let that conversation get started. And once it did, I should have turned around and gone back into the store. It’s never too late to teach an old dog new tricks…