in the world of WTF?

Look. I get it. I’m funny. I joke a lot. I’m sexy and awesome and have lots of fun. People dig me.

So, when you friend me on FB and ask me just how “liberal and open are you?” and then proceed to proposition me to “help you and your wife out in the bedroom.” I need you to understand that is immediate grounds for a big Facebook Block.

Also, when you proposition someone that you haven’t seen since 9th grade? You might wanna be good looking. Or at least, not gross. No wonder you guys need help in the bedroom.

Probably it would help your mission if you didn’t post racist comments on the person’s page that you’re propositioning. Especially AFTER said person asked you to stop. Because THAT SIR, is a huge turn off.

I’d tell you to go get fucked, but obviously, you’re trying. Just without any hope of success.

And one more thing…all the “Incest Likes” on your page? Not helping your cause either. I am obviously not THAT open or liberal.

I need a shower.

In other Facebook world, this blog post made me LOL.

25 Common Facebook Statuses and What They REALLY Mean

Truth in sarcasm. My favorite.

Facebook. It’s making people look dumber and dumber everyday. C’mon people, it’s social media. Use it for fun. Stop being so damn stupid.

Okay, I’m off to the gym where I shall sweat off the grossness of my indecent proposal. Have a happy humpday! (hahahaha! How appropriate)

feeling goofy

I’m extremely excited about date night tonight! YAY!

Here’s my favorite baseball picture that I took in June 2010. The storm came and went and we got to watch the game pretty much all by ourselves!

When I was getting dressed this morning, my first thought as I was harnessing up the girls was “Sometimes wearing a bra crushes my soul.” And of course, that became my FB status. I told you I was feeling goofy.

Anyway, my fellow large-breasted women concur with my feelings. My soul hurts today. I am harnessed. I feel the need for FREEDOM!

Last night, the boys and I had such a good time just hanging out. I love my kids. I love it especially when they try to guilt me into giving them money. Hahahahaha. As if I ever feel guilt. Seriously. I mean, hahahaha, as if I ever have any money to give them. Seriously. They’re such funny boys and Mondays and Wednesdays at The Compound are always full of extra laughter.

Oh, I just want to give you guys fair warning, I’m planning to win both lotteries this week. Soon, I shall be blogging from our private island: Isla de MelJefe. There will be lots of gratuitous beach photos and I will be sure to include many of my personal cabana boys. (And Jefe’s cabana babe, for the men-folk.)

Also, we are thinking about adding ducks to the Compound! I will keep y’all posted. It all depends on winning the lottery and when we decide to move. Stay tuned!

Okay. I guess that’s all I got today. If you’re having a bad day, just remember: wine helps. If you’re always having a bad day, just remember: medication and therapy helps. If you can’t look at this picture without smiling, there is no hope for you.

And if this picture doesn’t make you LOL and possibly even snort, then I don’t even want to know you.

Love Hangover is not allowed…

Yesterday was a fabulous day off! I spent the day driving Sally Sparkles around with her Top Down! Everyone loves to go topless on a sunshiny day!

El Jefe and I drove to the river for a lovely picnic lunch, then he drove her around and was very excited at her awesomeness.

Last night, we had a quiet, candlelit nosh. I made us a fun little cracker and cheese plate, we had our wine & scotch, and a table cloth with all kinds of fun love stickers. Including ROBOTS. Robots make everything better.

In other car related news, I am now officially sporting a vanity plate on Sally Sparkles. 2 of my dreams have come true in 1 week. I need to check my horoscope and see if the planets are aligned or something.

and finally, I leave you with this…because it made me laugh.

and now you know. I’m just trying to be fair. That’s all.

Happy Friday! Peace, love and sparkles all around!

2013: Day the 3rd

I kinda like this and will work on applying it to my life. Especially #5. Haha. I think WAY too much. I need medication to help me think less. I think the one I’ve heard the most about is called cannabis, sadly it’s not legal here. hahahaha

How was your New Year? Mine was absolutely wonderful. There was lots of laughter, champagne, and more laughter. My kid and my Domestic Partner crack me up. (yes, I’ve decided to call Jefe my DP from now on. It’s awesome.)

We had a FRINGE marathon New Year’s Day. I got to start the show from the beginning and now I’m hooked. Two things I’ve taken from this show that are awesome:

“Excellent! Now let’s go make some LSD!”

“Peter. This is me, Walter Bishop. Your father.”

From now on when I call Jefe, this is how it’s gonna go. “Jeffery. This is me, Melissa Francis. Your domestic partner.”

I may have to call him every single day just to say that. And of course, when the conversation is over, I will be sure to mention making LSD.

Wow. I’ve mentioned 2 illegal drugs in this blog…that has to be a first. Whatever will you think of me? What do I care? It’s funny.

Ian is having his wisdom teeth removed today, so I’ll be at home this afternoon to take care of him. My mother-in-law had surgery last week, and I’m taking her and Poppy some soup at lunch. I gotta take care of the people I love, doncha know?

Okay folks, any resolutions this year? Any revolutions this year? Or revelations?

*chin fist* tell me about them…

friday fun day

This video is one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen.

In other fun news, my favorite headline news statement this morning: “Honey Boo Boo beats the RNC.” HAH! *love*

 And finally, our little itty bitty kitty has a name.

Introducing Little-Itty-Bitty  also known as Libby. And boy is Ruby in love.

 I’m off to see my BFF from high school. Sushi, shopping and shenanigans!

commando

Today is NATIONAL UNDERWEAR DAY. (really??) Guess what National Underwear People? You are not the boss of me. *sticks tongue out*

Dudes! looks like our server issues at HDJM are fixed and now my Bachelorette Finale and After the Final Blows Rose recaps are up! I will admit that I made myself laugh out loud several times. I crack myself up.

Project Runway episode 1 will be live this morning and episode 2 will be up this afternoon if all is right in the world. (again, I am cracking myself up with these recaps. Something is wrong with me, and that’s all right.)

It’s Back to School Black Weekend (Tax Free Shopping). I will be the one dressed as Xena Warrior Princess. I have my sword and shield at the ready and also, my pretty blonde friend will be there to accessorize the ensemble. And don’t think I won’t cut you over a pack of real wood pencils. Because I will. Twice. And if I kill you, I’ll totally bag you up and throw you in my mossy pond with the other dead hookers. I mean, never mind.