Author Archives: Just Call Me Mel

sorry I’ve been quiet this week

Posted on by
Reply

I just haven’t felt like blogging. I’ve been busy with life. Had food poisoning on Monday. Then an allergic reaction to SOMETHING UNKNOWN ( I did NOT swallow a spider in my sleep, STOP SAYING THAT!) on Tuesday and then hair day, then pedicures with Ian, then birthday cupcakes and wine with friends and now…it’s Friday.

So check out the horror that I woke up to in the mirror Tuesday morning:

kiss me again….

Yeah…um, I have luscious lips but….THIS IS OUT OF CONTROL. I did NOT get collagen and El Jefe did not smack me around (even though I never listen and I totally didn’t make him a sandwich) I just woke up with swolled-up lips. And face. I looked horrific. And as you can see, I had a sad all day.

I took 150 mgs of Benadryl throughout the day on Tuesday and finally, after a full day of being comatose, my lips look less like road kill and more like Angelina Jolie…

In fun news, I was told yesterday that my ass looked awesome in the jeans I will now never take off.

I ordered Turbo Fire videos from Beach Body (the same group that does Insanity and P90X). I need to add something to my bootycamp workouts (which are obviously working even though I haven’t lost any weight, see ass comment above for proof). And now to the reason I haven’t lost weight…

I’m eating too few calories…and then I give up and over eat for a few days, then I eat too few calories.

I cannot do that to myself anymore. I have to change my mindset. I have to fuel my body for the amount of exercising I have been doing. I cannot starve my body and not expect it to go into survival mode and refuse to give up its stored up energy. The 80s & 90s diet mentality that was drilled into my head as a kid is wrong. And I have to freaking retrain my brain.

Speaking of...this article... it choked me up. I was that girl. I was the athlete who was happy with her muscles and curves until her coach and her parents made her feel bad about herself. I was PUT on a diet at 13 years old. Who does that to a kid?

There are some things I miss about the 80s, but that is NOT one of them. BTW, I don’t blame my parents, they didn’t know any better. They did what they thought was right by their daughter. But I do blame my coaches and the doctors and my weightloss consultants who wrongly informed the world that a 13 year old curvy and muscular teen was unhealthy and needed to lose weight because of her body shape. Shame on them.

If you don’t click the link read the whole article (which you should because it really is well written and poignant), here is the last 2 paragraphs that really spoke to me.

I am sorry because many of you walked in healthy and walked out with disordered eating, disordered body image, and the feeling that you were a “failure.” None of you ever failed. Ever. I failed you. The weight loss company failed you.Our society is failing you.

Just eat food. Eat real food, be active, and live your life. Forget all the diet and weight loss nonsense. It’s really just that. Nonsense.

 

Eat real food, be active and live your life.

I’m going to add “and choose happiness” to that line and live it. Be good to yourself, bitches! Have a great weekend.

things that have made me smile this week.

Posted on by
6
1016958_643184655702549_1598829418_n

The idea behind this makes me both happy and sad. Our priorities are so messed up in this country.

SHARK WEEK!

SHARK WEEK!

Parenting! You're doing it right!

Parenting! You’re doing it right!

MjAxMy01YWQ0MDJiMTc0MzdmNDc0_52010f8481d84 05a54e7690bc15c74c15e0fa0f09db82_51df08284d8f4

 and finally, Ian and I had lunch yesterday and he left me a little happy on my desk…
photo(127)
Smile, bitches! It’s Thursday! There’s a lot to be happy about ’round these parts! If you’re not happy yet, just watch this.. If you’re not smiling by the end of this video, you have no soul.

zzzzzzzzz *snore* zzzzzzz *drool*

Posted on by
2

sleepy1-300x193I cannot seem to wake up this week. I don’t get it! I’m sleeping well at night. I even refused to take Benadryl last night (which is like taking Ambien for me) so that I wouldn’t have the drugged haze this morning.

And still…here I am, on my 4th cup of coffee…fighting the Sandman to the death.

The Sandman is a wily booger, btw. And he fights dirty. I think the only reason I can’t keep my eyes open is because he somehow managed to slip in weighted ball-bearings into my eyelids. They just keep closing on their own.

Did someone switch the coffee to decaf??? Does someone need to die?

In writing related news…

*record scratch*

Que dramatics.

WHHHHAAAAAAAAT?

Did Mel just say “In writing related news? As in WRITING-writing? As in BOOKS?”

Yes, Mel did just say writing news…but don’t get too excited yet…

I am revamping my very first completed manuscript. Updating it (since it was written in 2003…and has references to “flip” phones and “surveillance TAPES”) and I’m cutting it down a bit and tightening up the writing. (I have grown as a writer since this book. THANKFULLY.) and then…once I think it’s ready, I’ll probably self-pub it for y’all to enjoy.

And you will enjoy it, if I do my job correctly.

So there’s your breaking news, bitches. I’m writing again. Getting back in the saddle. Officially. And I’m ready to rock out with my cock out.

Peace, love, and happy Wednesday! Everyone find a leg and get to humpin’!

chiggers are the devil’s pets and they should burn.

Posted on by
1

chiggerI will say a scalding hot bath and endless scratching does help ease their torture. As does benadryl and benadryl cream.

I was asleep before 10 last night, thanks to the little pink pills.

Honestly, a sandpaper massage sounds damn near heavenly! I haven’t had chigger bites like this in 20 years! Sure I get the occasional bite on my feet, but from torso-to-toe? No. Not since I was a kid.

People mistakenly believe that chiggers burrow into the skin and stay for days, but that’s not true. They actually inject enzymes into the skin that break down skin cells. The itching begins when the little fuckers have filled up on your skin cells and they leave you to take a nap. I wish it was a dirt nap. but no. Just a plain old nap like your fat uncle Morty who wears sweatpants to lunch on Thanksgiving day.

Anyway, I’m better today. I think the worst is past me. But…now my legs look like I have leprosy. If you see me on the streets in rags, just donate to my calamine lotion funds and walk away. Don’t stare too long at the constellation of scabs. They’ll start to scare you.

Later bitches! I have some scratching to do.

 

Scenes from the lake

Posted on by
6

20130805-091933.jpg

This weekend was amazing. I can’t remember the last time I felt so relaxed.

Rader and I hung out in the hammock on Saturday. I read, he talked. We had to actually put him on mandatory Quiet Time on the way home last night. Seriously. That kid just yammers on like he’s got something to say. LOL

20130805-091950.jpg

20130805-092008.jpg

This Spider is not real. However, you don’t know that when you pass by it. Trust me.

 

20130805-092033.jpg

WE’RE ON A BOAT!

Da Godfodda was our water taxi driver. We enjoyed Saturday afternoon on the lake after the rain moved on.

20130805-092053.jpg

A rare sighting! El Jefe!

20130805-092110.jpg

20130805-092130.jpg

It really was a wonderful weekend. I read. FOR PLEASURE, all weekend long. I can’t remember the last time I did that!! Honestly, if it weren’t for the 2 hour drive there…Laura and Mac would never get rid of us. LOL

I did somehow manage to get eaten alive by chiggers on the entire left side of my body. Ugh.

El Jefe discovered evidence that Anacondas have a lair at Greers Ferry Lake. Giant snake skins…but no snakes to go with them. Because they’re hiding. Watching. Waiting…

I hope your weekend was as magically delicious as ours!

Melf unplugged

Posted on by
2

The fellas (minus Ian because he’s a working man now) and I will be heading to the lake tomorrow for a full day and night of fun. And then we will rinse and repeat on Sunday. I am so ready for a break.

Which means, I’m unplugging this weekend. Sure I’ll have my phone on me (because I can’t NOT take pictures!!) but I am not gonna be online. Yup. Even Facebook. (maybe) (probably) (possibly) (hopefully) (not much). At. All.

Try not to miss me!

In other internet news… There has been a couple of really fantastic discussions on one of my favorite blogs. If you’re interested in seeing how internet discussion SHOULD work, check out this blog post over at Raising Kids Without Religion.

Actually, there are two pretty great discussions going on right now:

God as a placebo
Children Taking a Different Path

I really enjoy reading the well thought out discussions and the respectful way they are conducted. Religion (and politics) can be such divisive topics that they are rarely discussed without anger and condescension. It is so refreshing to know there are places on the internetz that allow for these discussions without all the child-like behavior. Who knew that could exist? I never leave that website wanting to yell MOM! SOMEONE IS WRONG ON THE INTERNET AGAIN!

Okay my bitches! I leave you with your moment of zen…which will also give you an idea of what I will be doing all weekend long…

21b69-lake_hammock

are you in, or are you out?

Posted on by
2

Today is the first day of registration for the Little Rock Marathon which is scheduled for March 2, 2014. (unless you do the 5K which is March 1). I’m either going to do the 10K or the Half…I haven’t decided which, yet. The half-marathon is such an accomplishment! I never felt better (or worse) after I finished it a couple of years ago. But…I kind of want to do the 10K because, A: I’ve never done one before and B: I won’t be quite so freaking exhausted by the time it’s over, therefore I can fully enjoy the afterparty without drinking ALL THE BEER to numb the pain.

TEAM MELF at the starting line

TEAM MELF at the starting line

So, do you want to join TEAM MELF 2014?

Are you in? or Are you out?

Speaking of Project Runway… <–see what I did there?

I’ve had the most fun watching this season so far. OMG. Earth-Conscience Elf Boy is such a trip. He’s horrid! and  they haven’t let him go yet because I guess he makes for good TV. My favorite design didn’t make it to the top 3, but my other 3 favorites, did. And I liked the winning look a lot…El Jefe thought it had a weird “boob” thing going on. He liked Cry Baby Sander’s design the best. And it was sex-on-a-stick, but I didn’t think it would win.

El Jefe's favorite

El Jefe’s favorite

Melf's favorite

Melf’s favorite

Winner with the "weird boob thing" (I loved this dress.)

Winner with the “weird boob thing” (I loved this dress.)

Are you watching this season? I’m not watching on the night it airs, I’m catching up later…but I’m totally into the season. I just hope Earth-Conscience Elf Boy goes home soon. I mean, seriously? You’re on Project Runway. Don’t dig through trash bags to design a dress to go with Millions of Dollars worth of Diamonds. Also, don’t make the dress look like the model is wearing it backwards. Ugh.

Earth-Conscience Elf Boy needs help...

Earth-Conscience Elf Boy needs help…

a MELFellaneous post

Posted on by
4

Here’s a mish-mash post. Because my brain can’t stick to one train of thought today.

SQUIRREL!

superman-squirrel-nb19571So this quote has been making its rounds on FB this week. It looks like everyone is having “man” problems and needs some inspiration from Oprah Winfrey that she supposedly said in 2005 when this first made its rounds via email forwards. Now. Don’t get me wrong, I think this is great advice, but according to Snopes.com…there is no evidence that Oprah said any of this:

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn’t want you, nothing can make him stay. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.

Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that’s not meant to be. Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can’t “be friends”. A friend wouldn’t mistreat a friend.

Don’t settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is. Don’t stay because you think “it will get better.” You’ll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better. The only person you can control in a relationship is you. Avoid men who have a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn’t marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently? Always have your own set of friends separate from his. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up. Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.
You cannot change a man’s behavior. Change comes from within. Don’t EVER make him feel he is more important than you are. Even if he has has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
Never let a man define who you are. Never borrow someone else’s man. If he cheated with you, he’ll cheat on you. A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you. All men are NOT dogs.
You should not be the one doing all the bending… Compromise is two way street. You need time to heal between relationships. There is nothing cute about baggage… Deal with your issues before pursuing a new
relationship. You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you. A relationship consists of two WHOLE
individuals. Look for someone complimentary…
not supplementary.
Dating is fun… Even if he doesn’t turn out to be Mr. Right. Make him miss you sometimes… When a man always know where you are, and you’re always readily available to him ~ he takes it for granted. Never move into his mother’s house. Never co-sign for a man. Don’t fully commit to a man who doesn’t give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others.
Scared of being alone is what makes a lot of women stay in relationships that are abusive or hurtful: Dr. Phil says… You should know that: You’re the best thing that could ever happen to anyone and if a man mistreats you, he’ll miss out on a good thing. If he was attracted to you in the 1st place, just know that he’s not the only one. They’re all watching you, so you have a lot of choices. Make the right one. Ladies take care of your own hearts…

Is it just me, or is FB the new email forward. POST THIS AND YOUR DREAMS WILL COME TRUE! IGNORE IT, AND WE KNOW YOU DON’T LOVE GOD. ALSO, YOU MIGHT DIE.

Speaking of FB, apparently my aunt has figured out I’ve been living in sin (for like, forever) and called my mom to tell her…because, of course, she wouldn’t know…. and my mom was all, I know…and why are you calling me!? My aunt is all, well, she’s posting on FB… which is funny, because it’s not a secret. And also funnier, because my aunt and I aren’t FB friends.  And even funniest, because I’m a 44 year old adult who can make grown-up decisions all by herself.  Ahhhh the south. Full of judgment and busy-bodies.

Speaking of sin… Oh. I got nothing. I just like to say sin and think of it.

What else is going on? We had our supper club last night and my pasta was amazeballs, if I do say so myself. (and I do) And the company was even better. Would that be amazingerballs?

Ok. I’m done with my chatter today. Y’all keep on keepin’ on and I’ll see ya tomorrow!

Careful Francis! You’re ruffling some vestments!

Posted on by
9

I’m not Catholic, but I was married into a Catholic family for almost 20 years so I have a pretty good grasp of Catholicism. Also, my kid goes to a catholic high school… I knew this pope was different when he took my name. We made a deal, you see. And so far, he’s holding up to his end of the bargain.

Back in June, he donned his tiara and said: ‘”The lord has redeemed all of us, not just Catholics, even the atheists,”

Which is awful cool of him. Honestly. You know that behind the scenes, the dudes in charge all had puckered assholes. WTF did he say? He can’t be telling everyone they can be redeemed! Hell! We’ve made several lifetimes of money based on guilt and exclusivity. So they had a meeting and he took it back. Sort of.

pope-francis-not-judging-gays-somewhat_topical-ecards-someecardsBut this week? Oh the pope made me proud he took my name. “If someone is gay and he searches for the Lord and has good will, who am I to judge?”

“It’s funny, it’s just like politics,” Maher continued. “The hierarchy at the Vatican was like ‘What the fuck did this guy just say?’ You could almost see them preparing the poison. ‘Luckily we’ve got a spare pope!’” (said in reference to even atheists can be redeemed. But NOW that the Pope is damn near flying his rainbow flag high, I think that Maher’s statement is even more applicable!)

Here’s the thing. “Who am I to judge?” should just be EVERYONE’S tagline. I’m just proud this catholic political leader is the first of his kind to say it. Out loud.

Who are we to judge anyone?

We are human. We are fallible. We make mistakes. There may or may not be eternal damnation or celebration waiting for us if we fuck up too much then die. But, as humans, who are we to judge anyone? I thought that was the whole point of that one verse in the Bible…

Matthew 7: 1-5

1 Judge not, that ye be not judged.
2 For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.
3 And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?
4 Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye?
5 Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother’s eye.

Not that I care one way or the other what you do, because it’s not my business. But those who are all in a tizzy about Pope Francis sticking to the Bible he preaches…maybe they should revisit that very same bible…

RAPID TOPIC CHANGE

Oh my bootay hurts! In Operation Bootylicious news, yesterday I walked a total of 4.5 miles. It was a good day, but damn my butt muscles are sore! It wasn’t too terribly long ago that I was walking 4-5 miles a day, 5 days a week. Whew. I’ve got a ways to go before I’m back to that. But I’m well on my way to success.  I love the way my clothes are fitting me, so I just gotta keep plugging along.

Metaphorically throwing away the scale has made a difference in my attitude.

If it’s not raining at lunch, I’ll be doing my daily walk with Marissa. If it is…well, I’ll just take that as a sign from the Bootay Gods that I needed a day of rest.

Tonight I have supper club with my girls. I can’t wait! I’m cooking the main dish: Shrimp Primavera. And it’s gonna be EFFING AWESOME.

fuck. yeah.

hahaha.

Have a happy Twofer Tuesday, Bitches!