in the world of WTF?

Look. I get it. I’m funny. I joke a lot. I’m sexy and awesome and have lots of fun. People dig me.

So, when you friend me on FB and ask me just how “liberal and open are you?” and then proceed to proposition me to “help you and your wife out in the bedroom.” I need you to understand that is immediate grounds for a big Facebook Block.

Also, when you proposition someone that you haven’t seen since 9th grade? You might wanna be good looking. Or at least, not gross. No wonder you guys need help in the bedroom.

Probably it would help your mission if you didn’t post racist comments on the person’s page that you’re propositioning. Especially AFTER said person asked you to stop. Because THAT SIR, is a huge turn off.

I’d tell you to go get fucked, but obviously, you’re trying. Just without any hope of success.

And one more thing…all the “Incest Likes” on your page? Not helping your cause either. I am obviously not THAT open or liberal.

I need a shower.

In other Facebook world, this blog post made me LOL.

25 Common Facebook Statuses and What They REALLY Mean

Truth in sarcasm. My favorite.

Facebook. It’s making people look dumber and dumber everyday. C’mon people, it’s social media. Use it for fun. Stop being so damn stupid.

Okay, I’m off to the gym where I shall sweat off the grossness of my indecent proposal. Have a happy humpday! (hahahaha! How appropriate)

things that make me…

Sad:

George Jones died today.

This song still makes me tear up. RIP George. If there’s a heaven, I hope you’re partying your ass off like the rock star you are! (and like you used to do…without remorse!)

THIS is being taught as SCIENCE.

It’s okay to believe what you choose to believe, but you should not teach your personal beliefs as scientific FACT when there is actual SCIENTIFIC PROOF that you are wrong is just plain ignorant. UGH. I fear for the future of these kids who are being taught this as science.

Things that make me HAPPY:

A CAT. IN A SHARK SUIT. RIDING A ROOMBA. CHASING A DUCK. It just doesn’t get more awesome than that.

Well, THIS might be more awesome. But only slightly.

Things that make me AWESOME:

Sassy pants. Sparkle. Humility. (LMAO) and a bag of Gardetto’s for Breakfast. (Hey, I almost chose the Chili Cheese Fritos. I think I made the better choice.)

I need a beach. Until I have this in real life, I’ll have to stick to imagining this is me and Jefe on our private island somewhere.

Honestly? What is wrong with people?

Look. I get it. There’s humor in everything. I can make fun of my State-sized ass. I can tease my skinny friends out of love and envy. I can take a joke… But I’m a grown-ass woman who is comfortable in her skin.

What I can’t take is people being mean. Just mean. Because kids see it and they take that shit to heart. Especially young girls.

Yesterday I was looking for motivational stuff on pinterest and humorous e-cards and I came across this and I nearly had a stroke.

“inner beauty is for fat people”

First off, fuck you.

Secondly, I know some people of all shapes and sizes that need a dose of inner beauty. Size does not matter.

But most importantly. WHY WOULD YOU MAKE SOMETHING LIKE THIS? There are teenage girls everywhere, searching for anything to make them feel more secure and less ugly. They’re awkward. They still have their baby fat at 14 but their friends are tall and thin. They hope to hell the Ugly Duckling story is true…so they search for anything to make them feel hope….and they see this.

Sigh.

So we had a conversation about it on FB yesterday.

Sorry, some of the comments are doubled, but you get the picture.

The fact is, kids are impressionable. You tell a little girl she’s beautiful on the inside or has a great personality and one day somebody will like her, then what you get is a little girl who believes she’ll never be pretty. Or that she’ll always be fat and that fat isn’t beautiful. If you mock a little girl for not having boobs to wear that dress or for wearing a slut dress, that little girl hears that boobs are what’s important in life and that she’s a slut. If you tell a little girl her thighs are too big for that short skirt, you’ll get a little girl who believes she has fat thighs–even if they’re all muscle.

Why do we shame people like this? No wonder it’s so hard for people to overcome their childhood issues.

You can say what you want to me or about me. I don’t care. Like I said, I am comfortable in my own skin and your opinion of me doesn’t matter. But when these messages get out and young, impressionable minds see them, it breaks my heart. Growing up, I was that girl. Had I seen this as a teen, I think it would have broken me.

Anyway, just be nice to each other, okay? And remember, everyone is beautiful. Their actions may be ugly sometimes, but that doesn’t mean they don’t have something beautiful inside them.

/end rant.

Ruby Doobie-Doo Update and holiday stuff

Check out the pitiful baby. Doesn’t that face just make you wanna cry?

Nothing is broken. However, Ruby sustained some neurological damage that should only be temporary, however it could take a couple of months to heal. That’s why her tail hangs limp and she’s walking like she took some Vicodin and chased it with Vodka for breakfast. She finally took her medicine from El Jefe this morning…she turned her nose up at the cheese offering from me… Which tells me she’s very pissed off at me. Like I was the one who put her on the side of the road and then drove the car that clipped her.

Anyway, it looks like she’s gonna be all right. If she starts to show signs of decline, they’ll introduce some steroids into her system to help speed up the healing. There is a very slim chance she may not improve or will get worse…but right now, it does not appear I can start calling her Wheels. (I may or may not have been practicing getting her used to her possible new nickname)

In Holiday news, I look like the ghost of snowflakes threw up on me today. I can not even look at myself today, this holiday swag is so ugly. It’s horrifying.

Tomorrow’s outfit is gonna be amazing. Let me just tell you…AMAZING. (amazingly horrid…)

Also….if you see my brother, please tell him the lights on this tree need to be taken down immediately. Otherwise, I’m gonna stick a drunken Santa with a box of White Zin under the tree…to finish off the look…

please read this.

My friend has been dealing with a lot. Her 16 year old autistic child has been bullied mercilessly for years…even more so now that he is out of the closet. He wrote this letter and asked his mom to post it.

Please. Go forth and read it. Know that no matter what you believe is morally right…that nothing justifies the torment this child has been put through.

 I am disgusted that in this FREE COUNTRY we are tormenting people who love differently, who process information differently and who believe differently.

We are tormenting people for being different. For standing up for what they believe to be right, even if it goes against the majority. We are bullying people to change who they are or to keep their mouths closed or to fake their way through life in order to protect themselves.

What bothers me the most? Most of these people call themselves Christian. Well, if God is love…then what the hell kind of message are these “Christians” sending when they beat up on on an a gay, autistic kid?  Or whoever else they decide to bully just because they are different.

Disgusting.

And on a similar subject, please read this letter to Ann Coulter, written by a 30 year old man with Down’s Syndrome. Ann is another bully…and for some reason, she has power to stir up followers. Remember folks, your words and actions have power. Can you live with the results? 

I don’t resemble that remark…

Warning… This post is filled with some adult words of the profane nature. Sprinkled with anger and discontent.

“There are 47 percent of the people who will vote for the president no matter what. All right, there are 47 percent who are with him, who are dependent upon government, who believe that they are victims, who believe the government has a responsibility to care for them, who believe that they are entitled to health care, to food, to housing, to you-name-it. That that’s an entitlement. And the government should give it to them. And they will vote for this president no matter what…These are people who pay no income tax.”

Screw you, Mitt Romney.I’m not dependent on government, I don’t believe I’m a victim and it is not the government’s responsibility to care for me. However, like you (once upon a time, before you sold your soul and your beliefs to the highest bidder) I do believe that all humans are entitled to healthcare. And yes, I think if the government can help those who need help to get back on their feet, then they should help. And I’m not talking about bailing out corporations (even though I know you feel like they are people too) I mean, helping the actual backbone of this country grow strong again. You know, the little people? The middle class? (and contrary to your beliefs, $250,000 a year is not middle class income.)

Oh and BTW, I pay my taxes, asshole. Would you like to see my tax returns? Have you been audited? Because I have been…to the result of $5000+. I know, that’s probably the Christmas Bonus you give your door man, but hey, to me, $5000 was everything and then some. Show me your tax returns, asshole. Let’s compare percentages of tax to income and see who pays more.

Dick.

If EVER you needed a reason not to vote for this douche, THIS one statement should be it. I want my president to be concerned about ALL AMERICANS, not just those who can afford a $50,000 plate fundraiser.

Fuck. and You.

you know his speech was bad when…

Even FOX NEWS calls Paul Ryan a big fat liar…

Do me a favor, go to FactCheck.org and read the non-partisan facts about both candidates/parties and their rhetoric. Just do it instead of being all Yellow Dog or Tea Bagger.

I’m the biggest liberal on earth but I (probably)would have voted for McCain had he been the nominee instead of Dubya. I didn’t agree with him 100% but…he had a spine. He stood for something and ran on his own platform. But since he didn’t tow the party line, he didn’t get the nom. Sadly, he caved to party demands when he ran against Obama and completely flip-flopped on his core beliefs…and to make matters even worse, he chose that dumbass as a running mate. Talk about shooting himself in the foot. Geez.

Mitt Romney did the same thing, btw. He has completely flipped his switch. Check this out…what he always believed in vs. his current platform. You can’t deny this…since it’s Mitt Romney’s own words.

Here’s Fact Check’s rundown of Ryan’s speech. He’s a liar with a big fat L-I-A-R. The Republican party isn’t even trying to hide the fact they’re lying…they are just running on the belief they think they’re smarter than the people who are voting for them.

Sorry, I try not to talk politics much on this blog, but I have to say, our country is headed in a direction that frightens me as a woman and as an American. I can’t imagine anyone would actually willingly vote for these two guys. Especially anyone with a vagina. These two douches are freaking sketchy and dishonest and they support taking away women’s rights bit-by-bit. Paul Ryan actually had the nerve to call rape another “method of conception” as his justification for denying the right to choose for women and girls who are victims of rape and incest. Before you know it, they’ll be forcing women to marry their rapists because it says so in the bible. (I mean, that’s how they justify everything else, right?)

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. People who blindly follow their party instead of asking questions scare me. Are people really so stupid that they can’t see where this regime will take us if we allow it? Religiously based governments are only good for those in power. And they’re never good for women. Like Obama or not, these two misogynistic assholes are NOT good for the country (unless you’re a white male who makes 7 figures.)

ETA: They REALLY AREN’T hiding the fact that they’re running on lies. Check this out: (from the mouth of a Romney Aide)

 “Fact checkers come to this with their own sets of thoughts and beliefs, and we’re not going to let our campaign be dictated by fact checkers,” he said. The fact-checkers — whose institutional rise has been a feature of the cycle — have “jumped the shark,” he added after the panel.

Damn you FACT checkers for CHECKING THE FACTS and telling everyone we’re liars. But that’s okay because we don’t care. We know there are people blindly following us no matter we say… Fact Checkers. Bah. UGH.

committed. as in, i should be committed…

Oops, I did it again.

I’ve committed to doing the LR Half Marathon in 2013. It’s good to have a goal, right? It’s also good to have a support system in place. People who will root for you and kick your ass when you start slacking. So I started a TEAM MELF group on Facebook. It’s a private group and not everyone is going to train for this specific event, but everyone who is a member has a goal of their own in mind.

Ugh. I mean, Yay!

I’m starting slow. I have a 12 week build-up schedule that I’m going to do then I’ll start following the actual 1/2 marathon training schedule. It’ll be fun, right?

Public Service Announcement

Dear Ladies with Breastesess,

(I’m talking to you of the actual DD+ cup size)

I have discovered Victoria’s Secret.

Apparently their soul purpose is to cater to those of the small breasts…to make them feel better about themselves. Which is a very valiant purpose, if indeed those who are less blessed in the chesticle area need to have their spirits lifted. However, it’s false advertising when someone like myself who wants a bra that fits and makes me look like Heidi Klum with more curves. Because Vicki’s Secret is they don’t measure a cup past DD. So I’ve been a DD for a long time. And that was wrong. So very wrong.

Yesterday, I wore a strapless dress and by the end of the afternoon, I was very distressed by the state of my girls. They seemed very sad. They were giving up. So I drove myself straight to Dillard’s and begged for help.

Let me just tell you, the twins are very happy with their new zip code and housing units.

Ladies. Please…go somewhere other than Vicki to be measured. Dillard’s, Nordstroms, Barbara Graves (in Little Rock)… Your girls will appreciate it. And so will your back.

I promise. 

Celebrate your curves! As my girl Tori said while strapping me in yesterday…”Not every woman is as blessed as you. So wrap them up like they are a prize.”

I am very blessed, indeed.

chubby stick?

I’m not going to lie. This new Clinique product is equal parts win and fail.

I mean, wow. A Chubby Stick for your lips.

Can you imagine being out with your girlfriend and she asks to borrow some lipstick… My answer would be, “Sure! Let me pop a Chubby out of my purse for you!”

And that makes the Chubby Stick full of win….

That is the ONLY thing that makes this product Winner Winner Chubby Dinner though. I don’t care how good the Chubby Stick is…there is no way I’m putting that thing near my mouth. Who wants to color their lips with a Chubby Stick? Anyone? No.

Sorry Clinique. You get points for allowing me to make putting on lipstick a euphemism…but that’s it. Maybe this is being marketed to high-class hookers? I mean, I can see some stiff competition for the right color Chubby Stick. The marketing team should present a full-package work up for all Madams and Pimps.

Okay, this is going downhill fast. I’m on my knees begging you to forgive…my mouthwordplay.

Seriously, though. C’mon Clinique. Chubby Stick?