Author Archives: Just Call Me Mel

t-minus 13

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So the Little Rock Half-Marathon is in 13 days…and I’m a bit behind in my training thanks to the snow.

Birdrunner mentioned a program for the iPhone called Runkeeper so I downloaded the app and tried it out. It’s pretty nifty. You can turn on the verbal cues that will tell you your progress as you go. I have to say, it’s quite motivating because when my time was slowing down, I would pick up the pace and run.

Yeah. Me. Running. (stop laughing. Yes. Even you.) Okay, it’s more like “running” but still it’s a bit faster than “meandering.”

Today I did 6 miles in 1 hour and 22 minutes. Not gonna win any races at that pace and I’ll only be given nicknames like Speedracer or Speedy Gonzales ironically, but hey. Whatever. It works for me.

When the half is over, I’m gonna get a pedicure and possibly a massage. Because dammit, I will deserve both! 🙂
Go Team Melf!
In weekend news, it was obviously HEY LET’S WATCH CRAPPY MOVIES weekend, because damn did we not have any luck in the rental department. I didn’t find Dinner with Schmucks funny at all. I thought The Other Guys had its moments, and I did laugh out loud a few times, but overall, it wasn’t a winner. And if you want to watch an amazingly well acted movie that can only be described as painfully depressing, then please watch For Colored Girls. It was seriously one of the most depressing movies ever on earth. Probably even more depressing than The Road and that movie had cannibals in it. And also nobody bathed…
The only movie that was a success was The Social Network. It was well acted and enjoyable. I really like Jessie Eisenberg a lot. But if you wanna see a fantastic movie that he was in, check out Adventureland. It’s fantastic.
Hope you guys had a great weekend~

a saturday blog!

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Yes. It’s true. I’m up, it’s Saturday, I’m drinking coffee and getting ready to take the youngest nerd to chess club.

Then…the oldest nerd is gonna help me in the yard. There’s gonna be a burnin’ today!
This is one of my favorite times of the year. We burn twice a year for the most part. And today, we’re gonna have our spring fire.
It’s gonna be awesome. We have marshmallows.
In other news, next week I’ll be speaking at The Fiction Writers of Central Arkansas meeting. Check out my Author Page on Facebook or the article posted Arkansas Times for info!
And while you’re checking out my author page, you may as well click the LIKE button. You know you want to…

it’s not polite to leer

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Let’s face it. We all know that I am a bit lucky in the breasticle area. I have a rack and I don’t worry about hiding it. (because seriously, where on earth would I hide it? Behind a barn? Wearing a tent? No thanks)

Yesterday I wore a cleavage dress and I will admit that my girls looked pretty good. It was a good boob day. (I know, you’re asking if there is ever a bad boob day–trust me, there is.) They weren’t all out there in their own zipcode and they weren’t pandering at the corner, but they also weren’t wearing wallpaper and blending into the background either.

I’m used to the occasional glance of appreciation and even the occasional “HELLO THERE” stare. What I am NOT used to and will NEVER be used to is the leer.

And yesterday, while sitting at THE LONGEST STOP LIGHT EVER, I was the recipient of a leer.

A really creepy, old dude in a moving truck leer.

You know how you just know when someone in the car next to you is staring and you don’t wanna look over at them but then you do anyway? Yeah, that’s what happened and I wish I hadn’t. Ugh.

Finally, the light changed and I moved forward only to have Mr. McLeeryPants driving at the same pace. Still leering. And possibly drooling a little while he was mouth-breathing. Gross. Close your mouth, CroMagnon. Thanks.

So I did what any smart girl in my situation would do. I hit the brakes and he flew right by…

Then I gave him the inverted finger:

Then I requested a fly by from the tower and was denied. But I did it anyway and made the dude spill coffee on his uniform and after getting my ass properly handed to me, I went to the beach to watch a little volleyball action.

Best end to the day ever… (the scene is in Spanish which just adds a little spice…)

Hope you guys have a great weekend!

total eclipse of the earworm

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So I woke this morning with TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE HEART playing in my head. I swear, my brain likes to mess with me. It made me dream freaky crap last night and then it gave me the earworm from hell.

Thanks, brain. You are awesome.

I always think of the summer before 9th grade when I hear that song. We were at church camp (true story!) and I had a crush on a boy named Darryl. (Not his brother Larry or his other brother Darryl.) Darryl was an older boy… he was going to be a junior to my freshman. He had blond hair, blue eyes and he wore a blue bandana tied around his head. He was just dreamy in a mid 80s sort of way.

After lights out, our camp counselors would always sneak off to the lake to get baked commune with nature, and we always snuck out to the rec area to make out play ping pong. Darryl kissed me played ping pong with me that night while Bonnie Tyler wailed about her heart’s total eclipse.
When church camp was over, I never heard from Darryl again. He was a ping pong playa and my heart was eclipsed. Totally.

Maybe I should have set my eyes on his other brother Darryl after all…

And for fun, here’s the Literal Video Version of Total Eclipse of the Heart…

Embedding is disabled. If you haven’t seen it, I highly recommend clicking the link and watching. Funny stuff right there.

toes, rose, nose, blows, snows, hos…

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I got nuttin’ of value for you today. But apparently I like to rhyme.

Let’s see if I can work all of the title into a blog:
I woke up feeling pretty darn great today. That’s always a bonus, especially since yesterday I felt pretty crappy all day. My nose was all stopped up yesterday so there was lots of blowin’ goin’ on.

The last two days I’ve woken to the smell of roses, which means I’m rising and shining with a happy smile. I highly recommend you try this at home–it’s pretty darn awesome.

I have spring fever so bad I can taste it. (or smell it… ☝) Thank goodness the snow is all gone. I’m about to call Lola the Toe Girl and schedule my post-winter pedicure. I’m trying to decide on my first color of the season. I’m really digging the OPI Texas Collection for 2011….And I’m torn between 3 lovers colors–feelin’ like a fool… Ooops, bad digression there. Sorry about the earworm I may have just given you…

What do you think?



I’m pretty drawn to Austin-tacious Turquois, Y’all Come Back Ya Hear?, and Guy Meets Gal-veston…

Decisions, decisions.

The post-winter pedicure is very important because it marks the beginning of my annual Feet & Leg pictures… And let’s face it, nobody wants to see crusty feet, nasty toes, or ashy legs when you’re posting pics of them on the internetwebz…

And finally, I have some much needed time with my girls tonight and tomorrow. (ie: the hos or is it hoes? It’s not ho’s….because even though my hos possess many awesome things, in this sentence it is plural and not possessive…) Well, I’m sticking with hos because even though we’ve all collected our share of tools over the years, none of us are actually a garden utensil.

There! I did it. I made my title match my blog. I am awesome. And I rhymed. I could probably continue, but I think I’ll just let it go(es)…

day of love hangover

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Hope everyone properly OD’d on yesterday’s forced day of love.

Actually, I don’t have a problem with Valentine’s Day, but then, I’m not the kind of person who needs a holiday to give a gift or send a card. Or write a little note.

I’m a giver like that. no comments necessary from the peanut gallery. *ahem*, that means YOU.

The problem with being a giver is I get sooooo excited sometimes that I can’t even wait to give the gift. Like last weekend, I found this awesome Hot Wheels Airship and I had planned to just leave it somewhere for El Jefe to find after I left for the weekend…but of course, I pretty much walked in the door and was all “I totally have something awesome for you here let me show you it!” (and I’m sure I said it as all one word…)

Heh. What’s a girl to do?

Anyway, El Jefe and I did our V-Day stuff over the weekend (it’s lovely waking to the scent of roses in the morning…)so yesterday it was all about my friends and my kids. And we had a great time, eating food we shouldn’t be eating and laughing a lot.

Not really sure how that’s any different from any other day, but whatevs. It was the Day of Love and we had a lovefest.

Then we piled into my bed and watched Mike and Molly and Hawaii 5-0 while Kitty G entertained herself by boxing the mirror and playing with a hairband. FOR HOURS. (Have you watched Mike and Molly yet? That show is so funny!)

I hope you were treated to something very special and that the only coupons involved were from a book of love…

pucker up!

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Do you know how hard it is to send a pretty pucker to your boyfriend for Valentine’s Day?

Very hard.

My puckers were not the prettiest of lips today. I tried…OH how I tried to get the right pucker. But…It just wasn’t happening.

I really wanted to send the perfect pucker:


But it was blurry and the lighting was weird. Would El Jefe care about all that? No. But I did.

So I tried again…different lights; different angles; different distances from the lips…

THOSE pics will not be seen by anyone. Mostly I just looked like I had been punched in the face. Not very romantic…

So I went a different route. I sent him a note, S.W.A.K (you remember sealed with a kiss if you were around anywhere near the 80s…) And I texted him a Valentine’s Day smile… which is much better than a punched-in-the-face pucker any day.

We went to Oaklawn with some friends on Saturday. It was the perfect day to introduce El Jefe to the art of throwing your money away on the pretty ponies. He actually won some, so it wasn’t a total bust. 🙂 We had a great time, and the weather was awesome. OMG soooo awesome.

I almost wore my new sexy shoes to work today, but it isn’t quite close enough to spring to be wearing them yet. Even if the weather was pretending to be open-toed shoe weather…the reality is, it’s still February and I do have some sense… (for the record, they look fantastic with my brown pencil skirt…)

Happy love day everyone!

This is just cruel

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I’m currently buried under 7 inches of snow which, let’s be honest, may as well be 7 feet. At least I’m not in Siloam Springs–they did get 2 feet yesterday. I’m pretty sure i would lose all hope for life if I was there right now.


In other awesome news, my Mac finally died. So now I’m snowed in without a computer. This does not bode well.
I’m testing out this blogging via email thing. Let’s hope it works. (attempt #5 Million)
The good news is the sun is bright and even though it’s cold, the white stuff should start melting soon. And Oaklawn swears they are running this weekend. Fingers crossed.

NOT Sent from my iPhone because I couldn’t get it to work to save my snowbound life.

the internetwebz has a foot fetish

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So I check my statcounter daily to see what brings readers to my blog. (Other than my dedicated regular readers, who I love and adore with all my heart. Except for you. And you know why… heh) I get a lot of google searches looking for me and my books. That’s awesome.

I get a lot of MILF GENERATION or just MILF searches which usually takes them a blog from 2009 which features a Star Trek Next Generation corset. It’s sexy. And one day, I plan to wear it. BTW, I’ve now found a Darth Vader corset that might actually win out over the TNG corset…Oh yeah. Happy Halloween indeed.
Sorry. I lost my concentration for a moment.

Lately, one of the most common searches has been for feet. Now, look, I love pretty feet. I post pics of my shoes and my pedicures all the time. And the hands down, most popular google search has been MELISSA FRANCIS FEET and it takes them to this post. And this post from 2008 when I was partying in Boston (and when I was blond…)

What’s the common denominator in both blogs? This picture:

the internetwebz loves shoe porn. (so, which feet are mine in the foot orgy?)

I love shoe porn, too. Which brings me to my latest purchase. A shoe that I have fallen in love with. A shoe that makes my feet look sexy, my legs look long, and makes me almost 6 ft. tall. This is a that shoe I’m having to practice walking in because it’s higher than anything that has ever been on my feet. (never thought I’d see the day that I almost look down on El Jefe, unless I was standing on a ladder.)

And a shoe, that I seriously was able to purchase at LuLu’s in Oxford for 75% off…bringing the grand total to $15…which means even if I never walk in these shoes, they were worth the price.

There you go, internetwebz. Enjoy your newest google hit when you search Melissa Francis Feet. You’re welcome.

gray rainbows and dying unicorns.

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When my daddy was teaching me to drive, one of the things he drilled into my head was that other people can’t drive, so I had to always drive defensively. In other words, watch out for the idiots on the road.

Today, I was the defensive driving queen. And I also did a whole lotta yelling. (btw, according to my #1 kid (in birth order, not preference), I’m very funny when I’m filled with road rage)

Do you know why there are early morning traffic jams near on ramps? BECAUSE THE IDIOTS ON THE ACCELERATION RAMP DON’T ACCELERATE. THEY STOP. AND THEY CAUSE THE REST OF THE TRAFFIC TO STOP SO THEY CAN GET OFF THE RAMP AND INTO TRAFFIC. Dudes. Merging is not an art. It’s common sense. And if you don’t have the common sense to merge, then please get off the road.

Black ice. It is the devil. I hate it. It’s scary, especially if you have to put your brakes on because traffic is stopping and in your path is a big patch of it. And you better hope that you don’t have to stop ON the ice because that won’t happen.

So why, oh why are all these people driving too fast for conditions and then slamming on their brakes and almost slamming into me? Why oh, why do they act like that’s my fault as they try to buy me a new bumper. Or buy me a new driver’s side door? Yes, I’m responsible for your idiot ways. It’s all me. I’m magic like that.

My wit was super witty this morning. It was filled with awesome and verve. It made my kids simultaneously laugh and cry. My road rage filled the air with black smoke tinged with hate and venom and all the unicorns became sick and the rainbows became colorless.


Gray rainbows are so depressing. As are dying unicorns.

So I’m currently working on ways to end my rage-filled mood. My first idea was soundly rejected. It had something to do with El Jefe jumping into his truck and driving 3.25 hours to bring me one of his Bloody Marys. You think I was asking too much? C’mon! My rage is killing unicorns!

Fine. Let the unicorns die. See if I care…

Okay, I care. I think I’ll just go to Damn You Auto Correct and read until I laugh away the rage. That always seems to work.

When the color returns to the rainbows, and the unicorns begin to frolick again, remember to thank me.